; MOVED.

http://jovieee.blogspot.com

JOVIEEE.BLOGSPOT.COM!

; The Last Goodbye

(",) Apha says: i mean... i heard abt u and ur ex. i see that u're a cancer person too.
jovina.* : you are too?
(",) Apha says: yes. we're both very sentimental creatures who has a hard shell that takes time to crack.


This hard shell will perhaps, be left uncracked for eternity. Nobody seems to be willing to fork out a few moments to attempt.

Little Miss Emo has been forsaken, by those whom she thought will never leave her, will always stand by her. It's the tale of the loss of Alwin's friendship without explanation all over again, but the levels of her disappointment, her hurt, this time round, are beyond healing.

I will never know what I did wrong to incur your wrath, but I'm sorry, Cx. Whatever I've done, it's most unwittingly done, with not the slightest ill-intent. Forgive me.

And forgive me for breaking my promise to you. I'm unable to see a point in keeping it any longer. In the past, you could tell me to not hurt myself, on account of yourself, that if I cut myself anymore you'll stab yourself in front of me. And Wanwin, she'd threatened to cut herself if I do so. But most importantly, you told me that Alwin would be the one blamed for any mishap of mine, and No, I do not want that at all.

The sting of betrayal, no, make it your unwillingness to talk, to answer a question you know I really yearn to know, proved painful for me to comprehend. Is it mistrust I'm receiving from you, Sis? Am I not worthy of you sharing issues of privacy with? And particularly an issue regarding myself. What have I meant to you, but a mere shadow passing through the story of your life, I begin to realise.

Perhaps I've thought too much of friendships. Should I have not? But it's too late to withdraw the affections I've gave out. And given a second chance, I will make the mistakes all over again. Now the heart is wounded with battlescars as a momento. One blow after another.. Even the most defatigueable will be depleted of strength. Weariness is a certainty, eventually.

An eternal rest would seem hardly sufficient. Sadly, it's all that I have.

Goodbye to you all, and Good luck.

To you, the only one who knows what this mean, 4 5683 968. (listen t Against All Odds) (:


Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.
The carridge held but just ourselves, and Immortality.

My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad I know;
Let them not weep let them know that I'm glad to go.

; one last night

i caught a glimpse of my arm.

fresh, crimson blood oozing freely, streaking the background of pale white skin.

perhaps after today, these fingers will not type. these legs will not move.

will you miss me?

; god must hate me

words are pathetic tools to release the angst within. whatever i can write can never express the depth and intensity of this overwhelming lonliness.

every day of my life i hide it all behind a pretense of a smile. and as my fingers fly over the keyboard now i can feel hot salty tears cascading silent down my sunken cheeks. when i stood in front of the mirror i saw a shadow of who i was in front of me. a gaunt, pale face with hollow and tired eyes.

this is me, the real me. the layers of make up cleansed off, i see the facade fade away, revealing me at my most vulnerable side. the insecure teenager behind the mask of popularity, of confidence.

have you ever wondered about the girl inside? no, not the one you usually see, but one with imperfections and flaws, making up the core and essence of her soul?

is it not obvious that i'm calling for help? why does everyone see a smiling girl at the peak of her life? happy my ass. i'm nowhere near fairly alright.

does anyone really care for me? no. oh yeah, you get the obligated 'are you alrights?' but who is there for me when i'm breaking down? who will put me before others and come save my soul? every single one of my friends i placed on pedestals. i would take bullets for them. i will step into the fire to save them. but who would do it for me? i think about it and my honest answer would be not one single person.

i wish i can fuck the world and hate everyone who played a part in making it so miserable. but there's no room for hatred within me. i just want to be at peace with the world.

am i asking for too much? true friends, true love. that's all i seek, and is it too much?

everyday i walk through life like a haunted woman with no direction in her life.

and i cannot cut myself. for me it's an outlet of release, so do not worry for me, but cheexian made me promise him that i will not do it again and in return, he assured me that alwin will be blameless for whatever happened to me.

alcohol. but i do not like the stuff. the taste. i do not like the after effects, unless clubbing or partying.

turning to drugs once again is a welcoming idea, it seems the easy way out. but do i want to risk addiction and play with fire all over again? i'm no longer a child now. i won't be let off easy this time round if accidents occur. can i bear up to the consequences?

and can i make it through the rain. on my own, because there's no one to offer a hand?

; please remember

it's another cold, lonely night. the music's turned to leann rimes's wistful vocals of the bittersweet please remember. the tobacco inhaled, one after another. and there's nothing left for me to do, but missing you. missing you..

i wish i can hold you this night, and whisper the world in your ears, so you'll know you mean the world to me. i wish i can ease the longing in your heart, to be the one to take your pain and sorrows away.

you made me start to smile, and i yearn to be the one to make your life worthwhile.

i've realised my folly, my mistake. i now know what i've done.

won't you just forgive me please, and come back baby?

i need you. i need you to teach me how to smile again. i've never realised how precious you were to me until i lost you. and when i had you back, i learnt that short lived happiness can be so blissful.

will you be reading this? will you know i'm calling out for you?

will you still care..?

everyday i walk through the lonely road of my life in solitude. it's dull it's bleak it's colourless without your presence.

paint my story again with your love.

and how i miss you. how i want you back..

;

there's nothing bad about life right now. but at the same time, there's nothing good either.

so boring.

so empty, with nothing to look forward to.

; ULTIMATE BASTARD

Interesting revelations.

So, Judith talked to me on MSN. Think she needed to release her frustration and anger on Chong Jiahao before someone who understood and sympathised.

Understood and sympathised I did.

And horrified, disgusted, TURN-OFF, are understatements to the emotions I felt.

Private affairs such as this I usually will censor, or not even mention in this public blog. On an average of 100 views a day, I have no idea who's reading what.

But given the green light by Judith, I have no more such hesitation.

[J]uDtH: JOVINA
[J]uDtH: post everything in ur blog
[J]uDtH: i post everything in my blog
[J]uDtH: post name!

Firstly, she told me to blog about this. Using his name. (:
Secondly, I see no reason why I should attempt to further protect this disgrace, this SCUM OF SOCIETY.

I'm very tempted to just PASTE THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION. But to protect other parties who have not yet crossed the line, I won't.

Like Judith said, the unspoken rule of players, we PLAY but we don't LIE.

Haven't you learnt that Chong Jiahao?

Call me a bitch if you want, blame Michelle for telling me, yeah she should be prepared I will tell Judith one day, but think about it. I kept it to myself until this very moment. Even when Judith called me a week ago, I told her I'm sorry, but I am in no position to say anything. And I hung up before telling her anything.

But now? Why should I protect a bastard? Like Judith said, Girls help girls. Why should I cover up your lies and let another girl be hurt? Like Yinning, I should expose you for who you are. That girl did the right thing by messaging Judith and telling her to get over you. Disgusting FLIRT. That's what you are.

Quote from Yinning's Blog. "I've never met a more disgusting flirt like him -JH."

Sex sex sex. That's what you're all about. And I'll leave the sex part out of it. I don't wanna embarass Judith.

Breaking up with another girl, claiming that Judith's pregnant? GOD. HAHAHA. So you worry about pregnancy too? So STOP MAKING BABIES LA.

All that nonsense about the real Jiahao. THIS IS THE REAL JIAHAO YEAH? Face up to it.

And I have no right to ask about Alwin? Oh since when is Alwin your property? When I knew you flamed my tagboard, I could have bitched about you to Judith for revenge and get you into trouble. But even when SHE CALLED ME I kept my mouth shut. Saw no reason to lower myself to your standards and be a bitch. And btw, IT'S MY MOUTH. I can ask about who and what I want. Even Alwin have no right to tell me to stop loving him. It's my heart. I can love who I want. If he hates me, that's his business. And MY business. So who are you to comment on me and Alwin?

And you told Judith I was her subsititute? LOL. How many stories can you come up with? You told Wanwin that I was a flirt, and you didn't want to be the next fucker who gets played yeah. I can remember clearly, it was after she flamed Judith's blog, at Alwin's house.

[J]uDtH: he's a dam big farker
[J]uDtH: he tell every ger diff thing
[J]uDtH: in order so that he wun look like a bastard in ppl eyes
[J]uDtH: i tell him. go read all gers blog u get involved wif. i told him he's a bastard alrdy in ppl eyes

We all know you for who you are please.

I only told Judith about the dancing with girls part after I read her blog.

"he is a bastard. he flirt wif million of gers. dancing and most prob farking them!"

I thought she managed to dig out the truth herself. I only confirmed her suspicions. Unlike you, I know when to keep my mouth shut yeah? Why do you have to tell Iain that she liked her before? Not like you've never liked Judith's FRIENDS yeah?

[J]uDtH: he played wif my friends
[J]uDtH: telling them everything how much they shld trust him cos he relly like them
[J]uDtH: and also to many gers in friendster

So now she wants to tell your dad. And you're scared. Losing it huh? First you cry and beg her then you shout at her. First you called us liars, you denied every single thing you said. Coward. You made your own bed now you gotta lie on it. Please la. Why would we lie? Mich lie to me for fuck? Yinning and I lie to Judith for fuck? It's your relationship. Why should we bother? Only when Judith pushed you till you have nowhere esle to go did you admit what you did. And started telling her she has no right to confront your dad because she kissed another guy? WHAT NONSENSE.

You flirt both in real life and in the virtual world. Messaging girls on friendster telling them their cute and stuff? OMG. Why are you so goddamn desperate? Like Iain once said, you really define the phrase DIE FOR CHEEBYE.

Nobody's spinning tales about you. We have better things to do. The truth will come out eventually. And thanks to Yinning, it did.

[J]uDtH: does tt mean that he can go round spinning tales abt othrs
[J]uDtH: den i said u did it already
[J]uDtH: u can tell a ger u like her so much
[J]uDtH: but when u dun wan her
[J]uDtH: u tell ppl other things

I can't believe I still kept two messages you sent to me in my phone. One on the 22th May, the first time we went out alone. "Like the way you dressed :) pretty. Take care!" and another on the 1st of June, when we got together. "Baby! We're together, finally :) smiles. I was too tired last night, couldn't hold out. Love you baby."

hao - 30th : today i thought i had feelings for u
hao - 30th : lol
jovina.* : ...
jovina.* : lol.
hao - 30th: hmm
hao - 30th : but what if i have?
jovina.* : don't know.

Four days after I knew you. LOL.

hao - 20th : lol baby, ure a little mad bout that game
jovina.* : lol.
jovina.* : don't baby me please.
hao - 20th : why?
jovina.* : doesn't feel right.
hao - 20th : hm and why is that so?
hao - 20th : unless ure not treating me as one.
jovina.* : the thing is, i have a conscience and it pricks me everytime i read her blog and stuffhao - 20th : omg?
hao - 20th : why would u feel that way?
jovina.* : don't know.
jovina.* : lol.
hao - 20th : thats why i dont like it when u read her blog
hao - 20th : i dont wan u to feel that way
jovina.* : like, i can live on happily without you. she can't.
hao - 20th : becos whats in the past has passed
hao - 20th : i wont turn back or regret anything i done...
hao - 20th : i'm a total different person
hao - 20th : sigh, ure confusing me badly
* ?hao - 20th June SMOOVE @ CLUB MOMO - msg me for tix - still sick has changed his/her name to disappointed
jovina.* : i like hanging out with you. she loves you.
jovina.* : it's different okay?
jovina.* : she deserves you (:
my shadows t: i really need to say this.
my shadows t: she doesnt deserve me
my shadows t: i'm over with her for 2 and a half months.
my shadows t: i like u
my shadows t: but ure upsetting me
jovina.* : i'm sorry.
my shadows t: ure sorry?
my shadows t: wadever for
my shadows t: was hopin ya might say something more different
jovina.* : like?
my shadows t: nothing.
my shadows t: maybe i thought too much.
jovina.* : okay.
my shadows t: do u think i thought too much bout us?
jovina.* : i don't know what you thought about us.
jovina.* : you never told me?
my shadows t: i thought u might have treated me as a bf.
my shadows t: after today.
my shadows t: well, from the way i look at it, its not looking good..
jovina.* : i don't want anymore flings or relationships tt won't last.
jovina.* : i had enough of tt.
possum 2? -: u think i'm having a fling with u?
jovina.* : i guess.
possum 2 ? : erm no?
possum 2 ? : i dont like flings..
possum 2 ? : i dont noe why u'd think of me that way
jovina.* : i've only known you for a week.
possum 2 ? : when it comes to a r/s its not how long u noe that person, but how confortable and happy u are when ure with him/her
possum 2 ? : i am happy for who i am when i am with u..
jovina.* : tt's cos we're not together.
jovina.* : there's no stress involved cos we have no control or right over each other.
jovina.* : isn't it better this way?
possum 2 ? : so ya think i'll control u when we're tog?
possum 2 ? : how'd u when we're tog i wun be happy or comfortable?
possum 2 ? : or maybe u think i'm not good enough
jovina.* : when it comes t an rs i get really sensitive.
jovina.* : i'm not unreasonable, but il admit i get jealous and emo and all easily.
jovina.* : i don't want to tie you down.
possum 2 ? : ure saying all these now.
jovina.* : yeah before it gets too far.
possum 2 ? : i'll also get jealous. but thats when u abandon me!
possum 2 ? : ure saying all these now when i'm getting serious and all.
possum 2 ? : wad i'm tryin to say, well it may be a lil unfair to me?
possum 2 ? : dont u think so
jovina.* : unfair?
jovina.* : in what sense.
possum 2 ? : i'm getting serious..
possum 2 ? : its jus from my heart.
possum 2 ? : why would i wan to hold ur hand, kiss u or hug u jus for fun?
jovina.* : i don't want t be the next judith in your life. i don't want to make you miserable by tying you down.
jovina.* : now you're single and all.
jovina.* : aren't you happier? (:
possum 2 ? : u think i'm happier huh.
possum 2 ? : i'm happier when i'm single
possum 2 ? : but ure the sweetener.
possum 2 ? : sweetener becos u manage to make me feel happy when i'm with u
possum 2 ? : only u and iain can do that.
possum 2 ? : but with u, i feel really comfortable, happy and when i kissed u, i felt love.
possum 2 ? : u understand?
jovina.* : i guess.
possum 2 ? : sigh
jovina.* : don't sigh okay.. (:
jovina.* : we're listening to the same song!
possum 2 ? : but i guess ure the only one who's sick of love songs
possum 2 ? : i wanna hear it again
possum 2 ? : but its with u.
jovina.* : honestly. it's silly of me but after the last relationship, i'm afraid of them.
jovina.* : i don't want t get hurt again.
jovina.* : i rather live without love in my life.
possum 2 ? : .......
jovina.* : yeah.
possum 2 ? : i'll make it short
possum 2 ? : i'm ready to be with u.
possum 2 ? : but are u?
jovina.* : what if your ex knows you have a gf now?
possum 2 ? : so what
possum 2 ? : i mean its my life.
possum 2 ? : what can she say/do?
possum 2 ? : i'm over and done with her.
possum 2 ? : she should be happy
jovina.* : are you completely over her?
possum 2 ? : what do u think?
possum 2 ? : i still feel for her?
possum 2 ? : am i so mad or what?
jovina.* : i don't know.
jovina.* : lol
possum 2 ? : i'm completely over her
possum 2 ? : even when i read her blog a few days ago i felt nothing
possum 2 ? : not the slightest feeling
jovina.* : okay.

Read this, and compare it with what CJH said of me earlier. Subsitute huh? Reading through our logs was difficult for me. There are more, sweeter ones I couldn't bear to keep reading. I hate to admit it but I did feel a little affection for who I thought he was. Sadly, I was wrong. He turned out to be the complete package of an asswipe. Like Alwin said, if I was smarter I wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. But at least I was smart enough to dump him. Even though it was for other reasons. I didn't expect him to turn out to be this.. I don't know how to put it.

hao - chal: sigh
hao - chal: emo
hao - chal: sigh
jovina.* : why?
hao - part: nothing
hao - part: i know u have feelings for alwin, and he's like pushin u to me.
hao - part: i guess afterall, its still my fault
jovina.* : lol.
jovina.* : theres no point in blaming anyone.
jovina.* : what happened happened.

Back then he seemed such a good guy. I don't know what happened to him along the way. After reading through the logs all my anger with him dissipated, replaced by a sense of emptiness, or melancholia. Why did things turn out this way? Why do you have to show your true colours in the worst possible sense? Why?

Now I suppose you'll hate me even more. Blame me for everything if you wish. My conscience's clear. If you wanna bastard me in front of Alwin so that he would hate me even more, by all means, do so. If his friendship is worthy, he'd have faith in me. If not, maybe he's not worth my hanging on to anmore.

Judith told me to wake up. Wanwin too, countless times. I have to be strong.

Goodbye.

; mungkin nanti

A direct translation of Mungkin Nanti would mean "Maybe Someday."

The story behind this song, is from a guy to his former love. Telling her that if, and when they do meet again one day, let them not talk about their love, which is a thing of the past.

dan mungkin bila nanti
kita kan bertemu lagi
satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
rasa yang kutinggal mati
seperti hari kemarin
saat semua disini

Cx treated me to Japanese cuisine for a birthday treat, and being the "DA XIAO JIE" he calls me, I shamelessly took advantage of his generous alter ego(hey it rarely appears okay!) and made him get me a huge triple sundae at a nearby cafe too.

There, he told me some things he sensed, which I can't deny I've noticed as well. The signs I've chosen to ignore and say nothing of for the moment at least.

"It's time you stopped acting blur Jov. You should open your eyes and cherish the people around you who's been treating you well, who treasures you rather than regretting it when you've lost them."

Besides referring to the other person, I wonder if he was talking about himself. SORR, SHAMELESS!

Cx has been a very good friend to me during this trying period. The best thing is that although he has openly admitted his feelings to me, he doesn't PUSH his affections towards me. He doesn't take over my life. I can sense his attachment, in very miniscule doses, and it's sweet, rather than overbearing. The situation between us is still friendly and in no way awkward. And for that I'm thankful. I tend to shield away from "I like you" outbursts after the previous episode, the mistake of a fling. Thus I've shunned Adam after his confession and now we don't even talk.

Unlike Adam too, he doesn't give advice I don't want to hear. I can be most infuriatingly stubborn, I admit it. I want what I want and I won't rest till I get it. No one with the exception of myself can change my mind. Adam told me a couple of nasty things Alwin did, or said, and told me that I should give up on him.

Not Cx. He told me that even though he loves me (strong words but hmm!), it doesn't matter to him whether we're together or not. My happiness counts the most, and he would be happy to wish me all the best with him if that's what it takes to make me smile. Only, the time isn't right now he feels, for me to try to reach out to him, who's probably still angry and would be hostile, and that I should leave it to time to heal the wounds between us. Very textbook Good Guy comments, but sincere nonetheless.

The other one is equally good as well, a shoulder of comfort and support. Takes care of me a husband would a wife. Ahaha. (:

But despite all the virtues, they're not him after all.

Because they're not, there's just something missing. Something I can't place myself.

And I'm sorry, but he's still the one rocking my world.

I saw our previous nicknames of long ago, and I had to swallow a lump in my throat, bite my lips to keep the tears from falling.

Matching ones, like
alwinrocksmyworld<3
jovinarocksmyworld<3
ilovejovinatobits&pieces.
alwinmyprecious!
i love my master.
i love my teapot.

And the ultimate, uber, superb, goosebumps raising ones,
jovina/alwin, private property of alwin/jovina. see no touch, touch no see, see and touch, pay money!

LOL. I don't really remember, but the logs are still there. And I saw a couple of things that made my heart skip two beats.

I think of JOVINA 99% of the time. And my team 1% of the time.

I want Jovina packed in a box and sent to my house.

And mentions of my previous.. people. Lei, Shawn, and something about having 20k and transferring to St. Francis to beat everyone up.

Sigh. I NEVER KNEW HE WAS SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT? But yeah well, past is the past I suppose. I need to look ahead. I've got my whole life in front of me.

The history of the past though, I like it so much more than the dreams of the future..

Give my tomorrows for one yesterday, just to know that I could have you here..

; i miss you like crazy

i'm lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking of you till it hurts. i know you hurt too but what esle can we do, tomented and torn apart? i wish i could carry your smile in my heart in times when my life seem so low. you make me believe what tomorrow could bring when today doesn't really know.

i want you to come back and carry me home, away from these long lonely nights. i'm reaching for you are you feeling it too does the feeling seem oh so right? what would you say if i call on you now and said that i can't hold on? there's no easy way it gets harder each day please love me or i'll be gone.

i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you, i know you were right beliving in for so long, i'm all out of love, what am i without you,

i can't be too late, to say that i was so wrong.

; love you t bits&pieces <3

i press rewind, i remember when. i close my eyes and i'm with you again.
but in the end i can still feel the pain everytime i hear your name.

the sun won't shine since you went away, seems like the rain's falling everyday.
there's just one heart where there once was two,
and that's the way it's gotta be until i get over you.

i run away but i just can't escape, memories of you everywhere.
they say the time will dry the tears, but true love burns for a thousand years.

give my tomorrows for one yesterday, just to know that i could have you here.

when will this river of tears stop falling, where can i run so i won't feel alone?
can't walk away when the pain keeps calling, just gotta take it from here on my own,

but it's so hard to let go...

; suicidal dreams

the intensity of my outburst, my extreme protectiveness i was previously unaware of over her worries and leaves me with more than a little unease.

i must not let anyone get too close again, it will only cause myself harm and pain.

whatever i hold dear to my heart, given time, i know i will eventually lose. and the bitter resultant of loss tends to hit me down very strongly.


i wasn't asking for the world.

& i know i would take bullets for you, but would you for me?