; god must hate me
words are pathetic tools to release the angst within. whatever i can write can never express the depth and intensity of this overwhelming lonliness.
every day of my life i hide it all behind a pretense of a smile. and as my fingers fly over the keyboard now i can feel hot salty tears cascading silent down my sunken cheeks. when i stood in front of the mirror i saw a shadow of who i was in front of me. a gaunt, pale face with hollow and tired eyes.
this is me, the real me. the layers of make up cleansed off, i see the facade fade away, revealing me at my most vulnerable side. the insecure teenager behind the mask of popularity, of confidence.
have you ever wondered about the girl inside? no, not the one you usually see, but one with imperfections and flaws, making up the core and essence of her soul?
is it not obvious that i'm calling for help? why does everyone see a smiling girl at the peak of her life? happy my ass. i'm nowhere near fairly alright.
does anyone really care for me? no. oh yeah, you get the obligated 'are you alrights?' but who is there for me when i'm breaking down? who will put me before others and come save my soul? every single one of my friends i placed on pedestals. i would take bullets for them. i will step into the fire to save them. but who would do it for me? i think about it and my honest answer would be not one single person.
i wish i can fuck the world and hate everyone who played a part in making it so miserable. but there's no room for hatred within me. i just want to be at peace with the world.
am i asking for too much? true friends, true love. that's all i seek, and is it too much?
everyday i walk through life like a haunted woman with no direction in her life.
and i cannot cut myself. for me it's an outlet of release, so do not worry for me, but cheexian made me promise him that i will not do it again and in return, he assured me that alwin will be blameless for whatever happened to me.
alcohol. but i do not like the stuff. the taste. i do not like the after effects, unless clubbing or partying.
turning to drugs once again is a welcoming idea, it seems the easy way out. but do i want to risk addiction and play with fire all over again? i'm no longer a child now. i won't be let off easy this time round if accidents occur. can i bear up to the consequences?
and can i make it through the rain. on my own, because there's no one to offer a hand?
every day of my life i hide it all behind a pretense of a smile. and as my fingers fly over the keyboard now i can feel hot salty tears cascading silent down my sunken cheeks. when i stood in front of the mirror i saw a shadow of who i was in front of me. a gaunt, pale face with hollow and tired eyes.
this is me, the real me. the layers of make up cleansed off, i see the facade fade away, revealing me at my most vulnerable side. the insecure teenager behind the mask of popularity, of confidence.
have you ever wondered about the girl inside? no, not the one you usually see, but one with imperfections and flaws, making up the core and essence of her soul?
is it not obvious that i'm calling for help? why does everyone see a smiling girl at the peak of her life? happy my ass. i'm nowhere near fairly alright.
does anyone really care for me? no. oh yeah, you get the obligated 'are you alrights?' but who is there for me when i'm breaking down? who will put me before others and come save my soul? every single one of my friends i placed on pedestals. i would take bullets for them. i will step into the fire to save them. but who would do it for me? i think about it and my honest answer would be not one single person.
i wish i can fuck the world and hate everyone who played a part in making it so miserable. but there's no room for hatred within me. i just want to be at peace with the world.
am i asking for too much? true friends, true love. that's all i seek, and is it too much?
everyday i walk through life like a haunted woman with no direction in her life.
and i cannot cut myself. for me it's an outlet of release, so do not worry for me, but cheexian made me promise him that i will not do it again and in return, he assured me that alwin will be blameless for whatever happened to me.
alcohol. but i do not like the stuff. the taste. i do not like the after effects, unless clubbing or partying.
turning to drugs once again is a welcoming idea, it seems the easy way out. but do i want to risk addiction and play with fire all over again? i'm no longer a child now. i won't be let off easy this time round if accidents occur. can i bear up to the consequences?
and can i make it through the rain. on my own, because there's no one to offer a hand?
posted by joviee at
9:34:00 AM
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