Incessant Rantings

; MOVED.

2006-07-06T01:01:00.000+08:00

http://jovieee.blogspot.com

JOVIEEE.BLOGSPOT.COM!

; The Last Goodbye

2006-07-05T00:37:00.000+08:00

(",) Apha says: i mean... i heard abt u and ur ex. i see that u're a cancer person too.
jovina.* : you are too?
(",) Apha says: yes. we're both very sentimental creatures who has a hard shell that takes time to crack.

This hard shell will perhaps, be left uncracked for eternity. Nobody seems to be willing to fork out a few moments to attempt.

Little Miss Emo has been forsaken, by those whom she thought will never leave her, will always stand by her. It's the tale of the loss of Alwin's friendship without explanation all over again, but the levels of her disappointment, her hurt, this time round, are beyond healing.

I will never know what I did wrong to incur your wrath, but I'm sorry, Cx. Whatever I've done, it's most unwittingly done, with not the slightest ill-intent. Forgive me.

And forgive me for breaking my promise to you. I'm unable to see a point in keeping it any longer. In the past, you could tell me to not hurt myself, on account of yourself, that if I cut myself anymore you'll stab yourself in front of me. And Wanwin, she'd threatened to cut herself if I do so. But most importantly, you told me that Alwin would be the one blamed for any mishap of mine, and No, I do not want that at all.

The sting of ~~betrayal~~, no, make it your unwillingness to talk, to answer a question you know I really yearn to know, proved painful for me to comprehend. Is it mistrust I'm receiving from you, Sis? Am I not worthy of you sharing issues of privacy with? And particularly an issue regarding myself. What have I meant to you, but a mere shadow passing through the story of your life, I begin to realise.

Perhaps I've thought too much of friendships. Should I have not? But it's too late to withdraw the affections I've gave out. And given a second chance, I will make the mistakes all over again. Now the heart is wounded with battlescars as a momento. One blow after another.. Even the most defatigueable will be depleted of strength. Weariness is a certainty, eventually.

An eternal rest would seem hardly sufficient. Sadly, it's all that I have.

Goodbye to you all, and Good luck.

To you, the only one who knows what this mean, 4 5683 968. (listen t Against All Odds) (:

Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.
The carridge held but just ourselves, and Immortality.

My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad I know;
Let them not weep let them know that I'm glad to go.

; one last night

2006-07-04T21:11:00.000+08:00

i caught a glimpse of my arm.

fresh, crimson blood oozing freely, streaking the background of pale white skin.

perhaps after today, these fingers will not type. these legs will not move.

will you miss me?

; god must hate me

2006-07-04T09:34:00.000+08:00

words are pathetic tools to release the angst within. whatever i can write can never express the depth and intensity of this overwhelming lonliness.

every day of my life i hide it all behind a pretense of a smile. and as my fingers fly over the keyboard now i can feel hot salty tears cascading silent down my sunken cheeks. when i stood in front of the mirror i saw a shadow of who i was in front of me. a gaunt, pale face with hollow and tired eyes.

this is me, the real me. the layers of make up cleansed off, i see the facade fade away, revealing me at my most vulnerable side. the insecure teenager behind the mask of popularity, of confidence.

have you ever wondered about the girl inside? no, not the one you usually see, but one with imperfections and flaws, making up the core and essence of her soul?

is it not obvious that i'm calling for help? why does everyone see a smiling girl at the peak of her life? happy my ass. i'm nowhere near fairly alright.

does anyone really care for me? no. oh yeah, you get the obligated 'are you alrights?' but who is there for me when i'm breaking down? who will put me before others and come save my soul? every single one of my friends i placed on pedestals. i would take bullets for them. i will step into the fire to save them. but who would do it for me? i think about it and my honest answer would be not one single person.

i wish i can fuck the world and hate everyone who played a part in making it so miserable. but there's no room for hatred within me. i just want to be at peace with the world.

am i asking for too much? true friends, true love. that's all i seek, and is it too much?

everyday i walk through life like a haunted woman with no direction in her life.

and i cannot cut myself. for me it's an outlet of release, so do not worry for me, but cheexian made me promise him that i will not do it again and in return, he assured me that alwin will be blameless for whatever happened to me.

alcohol. but i do not like the stuff. the taste. i do not like the after effects, unless clubbing or partying.

turning to drugs once again is a welcoming idea, it seems the easy way out. but do i want to risk addiction and play with fire all over again? i'm no longer a child now. i won't be let off easy this time round if accidents occur. can i bear up to the consequences?

and can i make it through the rain. on my own, because there's no one to offer a hand?

; please remember

2006-07-04T02:03:00.000+08:00

it's another cold, lonely night. the music's turned to leann rimes's wistful vocals of the bittersweet please remember. the tobacco inhaled, one after another. and there's nothing left for me to do, but missing you. missing you..

i wish i can hold you this night, and whisper the world in your ears, so you'll know you mean the world to me. i wish i can ease the longing in your heart, to be the one to take your pain and sorrows away.

you made me start to smile, and i yearn to be the one to make your life worthwhile.

i've realised my folly, my mistake. i now know what i've done.

won't you just forgive me please, and come back baby?

i need you. i need you to teach me how to smile again. i've never realised how precious you were to me until i lost you. and when i had you back, i learnt that short lived happiness can be so blissful.

will you be reading this? will you know i'm calling out for you?

will you still care..?

everyday i walk through the lonely road of my life in solitude. it's dull it's bleak it's colourless without your presence.

paint my story again with your love.

and how i miss you. how i want you back..

;

2006-07-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

there's nothing bad about life right now. but at the same time, there's nothing good either.

so boring.

so empty, with nothing to look forward to.

; ULTIMATE BASTARD

2006-07-03T17:16:00.000+08:00

Interesting revelations.

So, Judith talked to me on MSN. Think she needed to release her frustration and anger on Chong Jiahao before someone who understood and sympathised.

Understood and sympathised I did.

And horrified, disgusted, TURN-OFF, are understatements to the emotions I felt.

Private affairs such as this I usually will censor, or not even mention in this public blog. On an average of 100 views a day, I have no idea who's reading what.

But given the green light by Judith, I have no more such hesitation.

[J]uDtH: JOVINA
[J]uDtH: post everything in ur blog
[J]uDtH: i post everything in my blog
[J]uDtH: post name!

Firstly, she told me to blog about this. Using his name. (:
Secondly, I see no reason why I should attempt to further protect this disgrace, this SCUM OF SOCIETY.

I'm very tempted to just PASTE THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION. But to protect other parties who have not yet crossed the line, I won't.

Like Judith said, the unspoken rule of players, we PLAY but we don't LIE.

Haven't you learnt that Chong Jiahao?

Call me a bitch if you want, blame Michelle for telling me, yeah she should be prepared I will tell Judith one day, but think about it. I kept it to myself until this very moment. Even when Judith called me a week ago, I told her I'm sorry, but I am in no position to say anything. And I hung up before telling her anything.

But now? Why should I protect a bastard? Like Judith said, Girls help girls. Why should I cover up your lies and let another girl be hurt? Like Yinning, I should expose you for who you are. That girl did the right thing by messaging Judith and telling her to get over you. Disgusting FLIRT. That's what you are.

Quote from Yinning's Blog. "I've never met a more disgusting flirt like him -JH."

Sex sex sex. That's what you're all about. And I'll leave the sex part out of it. I don't wanna embarass Judith.

Breaking up with another girl, claiming that Judith's pregnant? GOD. HAHAHA. So you worry about pregnancy too? So STOP MAKING BABIES LA.

All that nonsense about the real Jiahao. THIS IS THE REAL JIAHAO YEAH? Face up to it.

And I have no right to ask about Alwin? Oh since when is Alwin your property? When I knew you flamed my tagboard, I could have bitched about you to Judith for revenge and get you into trouble. But even when SHE CALLED ME I kept my mouth shut. Saw no reason to lower myself to your standards and be a bitch. And btw, IT'S MY MOUTH. I can ask about who and what I want. Even Alwin have no right to tell me to stop loving him. It's my heart. I can love who I want. If he hates me, that's his business. And MY business. So who are you to comment on me and Alwin?

And you told Judith I was her subsititute? LOL. How many stories can you come up with? You told Wanwin that I was a flirt, and you didn't want to be the next fucker who gets played yeah. I can remember clearly, it was after she flamed Judith's blog, at Alwin's house.

[J]uDtH: he's a dam big farker
[J]uDtH: he tell every ger diff thing
[J]uDtH: in order so that he wun look like a bastard in ppl eyes
[J]uDtH: i tell him. go read all gers blog u get involved wif. i told him he's a bastard alrdy in ppl eyes

We all know you for who you are please.

I only told Judith about the dancing with girls part after I read her blog.

"he is a bastard. he flirt wif million of gers. dancing and most prob farking them!"

I thought she managed to dig out the truth herself. I only confirmed her suspicions. Unlike you, I know when to keep my mouth shut yeah? Why do you have to tell Iain that she liked her before? Not like you've never liked Judith's FRIENDS yeah?

[J]uDtH: he played wif my friends
[J]uDtH: telling them everything how much they shld trust him cos he relly like them
[J]uDtH: and also to many gers in friendster

So now she wants to tell your dad. And you're scared. Losing it huh? First you cry and beg her then you shout at her. First you called us liars, you denied every single thing you said. Coward. You made your own bed now you gotta lie on it. Please la. Why would we lie? Mich lie to me for fuck? Yinning and I lie to Judith for fuck? It's your relationship. Why should we bother? Only when Judith pushed you till you have nowhere esle to go did you admit what you did. And started telling her she has no right to confront your dad because she kissed another guy? WHAT NONSENSE.

You flirt both in real life and in the virtual world. Messaging girls on friendster telling them their cute and stuff? OMG. Why are you so goddamn desperate? Like Iain once said, you really define the phrase DIE FOR CHEEBYE.

Nobody's spinning tales about you. We have better things to do. The truth will come out eventually. And thanks to Yinning, it did.

[J]uDtH: does tt mean that he can go round spinning tales abt othrs
[J]uDtH: den i said u did it already
[J]uDtH: u can tell a ger u like her so much
[J]uDtH: but when u dun wan her
[J]uDtH: u tell ppl other things

I can't believe I still kept two messages you sent to me in my phone. One on the 22th May, the first time we went out alone. "Like the way you dressed :) pretty. Take care!" and another on the 1st of June, when we got together. "Baby! We're together, finally :) smiles. I was too tired last night, couldn't hold out. Love you baby."

hao - 30th : today i thought i had feelings for u
hao - 30th : lol
jovina.* : ...
jovina.* : lol.
hao - 30th: hmm
hao - 30th : but what if i have?
jovina.* : don't know.

Four days after I knew you. LOL.

hao - 20th : lol baby, ure a little mad bout that game
jovina.* : lol.
jovina.* : don't baby me please.
hao - 20th : why?
jovina.* : doesn't feel right.
hao - 20th : hm and why is that so?
hao - 20th : unless ure not treating me as one.
jovina.* : the thing is, i have a conscience and it pricks me everytime i read her blog and stuffhao - 20th : omg?
hao - 20th : why would u feel that way?
jovina.* : don't know.
jovina.* : lol.
hao - 20th : thats why i dont like it when u read her blog
hao - 20th : i dont wan u to feel that way
jovina.* : like, i can live on happily without you. she can't.
hao - 20th : becos whats in the past has passed
hao - 20th : i wont turn back or regret anything i done...
hao - 20th : i'm a total different person
hao - 20th : sigh, ure confusing me badly
* ?hao - 20th June SMOOVE @ CLUB MOMO - msg me for tix - still sick has changed his/her name to disappointed
jovina.* : i like hanging out with you. she loves you.
jovina.* : it's different okay?
jovina.* : she deserves you (:
my shadows t: i really need to say this.
my shadows t: she doesnt deserve me
my shadows t: i'm over with her for 2 and a half months.
my shadows t: i like u
my shadows t: but ure upsetting me
jovina.* : i'm sorry.
my shadows t: ure sorry?
my shadows t: wadever for
my shadows t: was hopin ya might say something more different
jovina.* : like?
my shadows t: nothing.
my shadows t: maybe i thought too much.
jovina.* : okay.
my shadows t: do u think i thought too much bout us?
jovina.* : i don't know what you thought about us.
jovina.* : you never told me?
my shadows t: i thought u might have treated me as a bf.
my shadows t: after today.
my shadows t: well, from the way i look at it, its not looking good..
jovina.* : i don't want anymore flings or relationships tt won't last.
jovina.* : i had enough of tt.
possum 2? -: u think i'm having a fling with u?
jovina.* : i guess.
possum 2 ? : erm no?
possum 2 ? : i dont like flings..
possum 2 ? : i dont noe why u'd think of me that way
jovina.* : i've only known you for a week.
possum 2 ? : when it comes to a r/s its not how long u noe that person, but how confortable and happy u are when ure with him/her
possum 2 ? : i am happy for who i am when i am with u..
jovina.* : tt's cos we're not together.
jovina.* : there's no stress involved cos we have no control or right over each other.
jovina.* : isn't it better this way?
possum 2 ? : so ya think i'll control u when we're tog?
possum 2 ? : how'd u when we're tog i wun be happy or comfortable?
possum 2 ? : or maybe u think i'm not good enough
jovina.* : when it comes t an rs i get really sensitive.
jovina.* : i'm not unreasonable, but il admit i get jealous and emo and all easily.
jovina.* : i don't want to tie you down.
possum 2 ? : ure saying all these now.
jovina.* : yeah before it gets too far.
possum 2 ? : i'll also get jealous. but thats when u abandon me!
possum 2 ? : ure saying all these now when i'm getting serious and all.
possum 2 ? : wad i'm tryin to say, well it may be a lil unfair to me?
possum 2 ? : dont u think so
jovina.* : unfair?
jovina.* : in what sense.
possum 2 ? : i'm getting serious..
possum 2 ? : its jus from my heart.
possum 2 ? : why would i wan to hold ur hand, kiss u or hug u jus for fun?
jovina.* : i don't want t be the next judith in your life. i don't want to make you miserable by tying you down.
jovina.* : now you're single and all.
jovina.* : aren't you happier? (:
possum 2 ? : u think i'm happier huh.
possum 2 ? : i'm happier when i'm single
possum 2 ? : but ure the sweetener.
possum 2 ? : sweetener becos u manage to make me feel happy when i'm with u
possum 2 ? : only u and iain can do that.
possum 2 ? : but with u, i feel really comfortable, happy and when i kissed u, i felt love.
possum 2 ? : u understand?
jovina.* : i guess.
possum 2 ? : sigh
jovina.* : don't sigh okay.. (:
jovina.* : we're listening to the same song!
possum 2 ? : but i guess ure the only one who's sick of love songs
possum 2 ? : i wanna hear it again
possum 2 ? : but its with u.
jovina.* : honestly. it's silly of me but after the last relationship, i'm afraid of them.
jovina.* : i don't want t get hurt again.
jovina.* : i rather live without love in my life.
possum 2 ? : .......
jovina.* : yeah.
possum 2 ? : i'll make it short
possum 2 ? : i'm ready to be with u.
possum 2 ? : but are u?
jovina.* : what if your ex knows you have a gf now?
possum 2 ? : so what
possum 2 ? : i mean its my life.
possum 2 ? : what can she say/do?
possum 2 ? : i'm over and done with her.
possum 2 ? : she should be happy
jovina.* : are you completely over her?
possum 2 ? : what do u think?
possum 2 ? : i still feel for her?
possum 2 ? : am i so mad or what?
jovina.* : i don't know.
jovina.* : lol
possum 2 ? : i'm completely over her
possum 2 ? : even when i read her blog a few days ago i felt nothing
possum 2 ? : not the slightest feeling
jovina.* : okay.

Read this, and compare it with what CJH said of me earlier. Subsitute huh? Reading through our logs was difficult for me. There are more, sweeter ones I couldn't bear to keep reading. I hate to admit it but I did feel a little affection for who I thought he was. Sadly, I was wrong. He turned out to be the complete package of an asswipe. Like Alwin said, if I was smarter I wouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. But at least I was smart enough to dump him. Even though it was for other reasons. I didn't expect him to turn out to be this.. I don't know how to put it.

hao - chal: sigh
hao - chal: emo
hao - chal: sigh
jovina.* : why?
hao - part: nothing
hao - part: i know u have feelings for alwin, and he's like pushin u to me.
hao - part: i guess afterall, its still my fault
jovina.* : lol.
jovina.* : theres no point in blaming anyone.
jovina.* : what happened happened.

Back then he seemed such a good guy. I don't know what happened to him along the way. After reading through the logs all my anger with him dissipated, replaced by a sense of emptiness, or melancholia. Why did things turn out this way? Why do you have to show your true colours in the worst possible sense? Why?

Now I suppose you'll hate me even more. Blame me for everything if you wish. My conscience's clear. If you wanna bastard me in front of Alwin so that he would hate me even more, by all means, do so. If his friendship is worthy, he'd have faith in me. If not, maybe he's not worth my hanging on to anmore.

Judith told me to wake up. Wanwin too, countless times. I have to be strong.

Goodbye.

; mungkin nanti

2006-07-03T04:57:00.000+08:00

A direct translation of Mungkin Nanti would mean "Maybe Someday."

The story behind this song, is from a guy to his former love. Telling her that if, and when they do meet again one day, let them not talk about their love, which is a thing of the past.

dan mungkin bila nanti
kita kan bertemu lagi
satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
rasa yang kutinggal mati
seperti hari kemarin
saat semua disini

Cx treated me to Japanese cuisine for a birthday treat, and being the "DA XIAO JIE" he calls me, I shamelessly took advantage of his generous alter ego(hey it rarely appears okay!) and made him get me a huge triple sundae at a nearby cafe too.

There, he told me some things he sensed, which I can't deny I've noticed as well. The signs I've chosen to ignore and say nothing of for the moment at least.

"It's time you stopped acting blur Jov. You should open your eyes and cherish the people around you who's been treating you well, who treasures you rather than regretting it when you've lost them."

Besides referring to the other person, I wonder if he was talking about himself. SORR, SHAMELESS!

Cx has been a very good friend to me during this trying period. The best thing is that although he has openly admitted his feelings to me, he doesn't PUSH his affections towards me. He doesn't take over my life. I can sense his attachment, in very miniscule doses, and it's sweet, rather than overbearing. The situation between us is still friendly and in no way awkward. And for that I'm thankful. I tend to shield away from "I like you" outbursts after the previous episode, the mistake of a fling. Thus I've shunned Adam after his confession and now we don't even talk.

Unlike Adam too, he doesn't give advice I don't want to hear. I can be most infuriatingly stubborn, I admit it. I want what I want and I won't rest till I get it. No one with the exception of myself can change my mind. Adam told me a couple of nasty things Alwin did, or said, and told me that I should give up on him.

Not Cx. He told me that even though he loves me (strong words but hmm!), it doesn't matter to him whether we're together or not. My happiness counts the most, and he would be happy to wish me all the best with him if that's what it takes to make me smile. Only, the time isn't right now he feels, for me to try to reach out to him, who's probably still angry and would be hostile, and that I should leave it to time to heal the wounds between us. Very textbook Good Guy comments, but sincere nonetheless.

The other one is equally good as well, a shoulder of comfort and support. Takes care of me a husband would a wife. Ahaha. (:

But despite all the virtues, they're not him after all.

Because they're not, there's just something missing. Something I can't place myself.

And I'm sorry, but he's still the one rocking my world.

I saw our previous nicknames of long ago, and I had to swallow a lump in my throat, bite my lips to keep the tears from falling.

Matching ones, like
alwinrocksmyworld<3
jovinarocksmyworld<3
ilovejovinatobits&pieces.
alwinmyprecious!
i love my master.
i love my teapot.

And the ultimate, uber, superb, goosebumps raising ones,
jovina/alwin, private property of alwin/jovina. see no touch, touch no see, see and touch, pay money!

LOL. I don't really remember, but the logs are still there. And I saw a couple of things that made my heart skip two beats.

I think of JOVINA 99% of the time. And my team 1% of the time.

I want Jovina packed in a box and sent to my house.

And mentions of my previous.. people. Lei, Shawn, and something about having 20k and transferring to St. Francis to beat everyone up.

Sigh. I NEVER KNEW HE WAS SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT? But yeah well, past is the past I suppose. I need to look ahead. I've got my whole life in front of me.

The history of the past though, I like it so much more than the dreams of the future..

Give my tomorrows for one yesterday, just to know that I could have you here..

; i miss you like crazy

2006-07-02T14:05:00.000+08:00

i'm lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking of you till it hurts. i know you hurt too but what esle can we do, tomented and torn apart? i wish i could carry your smile in my heart in times when my life seem so low. you make me believe what tomorrow could bring when today doesn't really know.

i want you to come back and carry me home, away from these long lonely nights. i'm reaching for you are you feeling it too does the feeling seem oh so right? what would you say if i call on you now and said that i can't hold on? there's no easy way it gets harder each day please love me or i'll be gone.

i'm all out of love, i'm so lost without you, i know you were right beliving in for so long, i'm all out of love, what am i without you,

i can't be too late, to say that i was so wrong.

; love you t bits&pieces <3

2006-07-01T15:15:00.000+08:00

i press rewind, i remember when. i close my eyes and i'm with you again.
but in the end i can still feel the pain everytime i hear your name.

the sun won't shine since you went away, seems like the rain's falling everyday.
there's just one heart where there once was two,
and that's the way it's gotta be until i get over you.

i run away but i just can't escape, memories of you everywhere.
they say the time will dry the tears, but true love burns for a thousand years.

give my tomorrows for one yesterday, just to know that i could have you here.

when will this river of tears stop falling, where can i run so i won't feel alone?
can't walk away when the pain keeps calling, just gotta take it from here on my own,

but it's so hard to let go...

; suicidal dreams

2006-07-01T13:35:00.000+08:00

the intensity of my outburst, my extreme protectiveness i was previously unaware of over her worries and leaves me with more than a little unease.

i must not let anyone get too close again, it will only cause myself harm and pain.

whatever i hold dear to my heart, given time, i know i will eventually lose. and the bitter resultant of loss tends to hit me down very strongly.

i wasn't asking for the world.

& i know i would take bullets for you, but would you for me?

for you; my prayer

2006-06-30T18:43:00.000+08:00

dear god,
i know that he's out there. the one that i'm supposed t share my whole life with. and in time, you'll show him t me. will you take care of him, comfort him, and protect him, until that day we meet? let him know, my heart is beating with his.. (:

in a dream il hold you close, embracing you with my hands. you gazed at me with eyes filled of love, and made me understand that i was meant to share with you, my heart my mind my soul. then i opened my eyes, and all i see, reality shows i'm alone. but i know someday that you'll be by my side cos i know god's just waiting till the time is right.

god, will you keep him safe from the thunderstorm? when the day is cold will you keep him warm? when darkness falls, will you please shine him the way? god, will you let him know that i love him so, when there's no one there, that he's not alone? just close his eyes and let him know my heart is beating with his.

so i pray until that day when our hearts will beat as one. i will wait so patiently, for that day t come. i know someday that you'll by my side cos i know god's just waiting till the time is right.

my heart is beating with yours..

be strong my boy. you're never alone, because i'm always here, for you.

.uofuoyevofevolifi

lingodengfeng daifailingo lingonifi, shifhilingo lingowofo weifeilingo lingochifhi xinfinlingo lingotiaofiao defelingo, lingoweifei yifilingo lingolifi youfoulingo.

; until i get over you

2006-06-30T16:15:00.000+08:00

the lonliness and dreary days has gradually returned to haunt since the demise of the holidays.

nostalgia so strong they threaten to overwhelm round the clock, it finally erupted when i saw shawn in his ns uniform peering through the gates of st francis this afternoon.

i made out only a moving being in green, which startled me with the cry of my name. jov! yes, and there you go, comments comments from someone who could tell my moods from the slightest twitch of the mouth or the frown of the brow, i couldn't recognize you without all that makeup and weight! look at your calves their visibly slimmer! what happened to your eyes, they're darker than usual!

oh shawn (: i guess i'd always have a soft spot in my heart for you, and feel sorry that we never did quite work out. but i've very glad the special bond we always shared remained.

he was telling me that he knew one of the new girls, the new lesbian, and i was inquiring how when it struck me, and we responded in unison, oh yeah, cine.

josh called me a drifter, one with too many friends, and no fixed group. it can be refreshing but the occasional bouts of sudden 'homesickness' for a particular bunch can be terrible.

i'd always remember fondly st francis 2005, and us old school cine kids. i shall not deign to mention about the latter, too many, too much, from longjohn's to rocky's.. a very distinct past of mine that moulded me to who i am.

st francis 2005, let me try and see who was in my 'main' clique. jovina nicholas justin ervin rosti shawn jing angela mek arvyn minnoo jeremy sheila jeffry matthew sudomo andrew lutfi lei hok bart apasith youxiang boat takkeong pak jungdae nataphak grant don. not counting our extended group, which means those who occasionally hang with us.

very different people, different nationalities cultures languages and backgrounds, however did we bond together? most of us through smoking i realised. the smokers table, and each of us gradually pulled a few friends along into the group. all those crazy nights at newtons, joined by the thais, with 60+ bottles opened. skipping school to go ktv, towning after that, filling the entire bus at times. that infamous fight outside st francis, indo VS china, jekong throwing a stone that almost hit lutfi! lol. clubbing in a international group always attracted attention and stares.

the sad thing is, after a year of the good life, we're all torn apart now. some left to serve the nation, some returned to their homeland. others went for greener pastures overseas, more others moved on to a higher instituition of education. those that do remain were cruelly torn apart by conflicts and misunderstandings. and some others i still bump into in town, but more than a smile and a hello, i could not wish for. everything has changed.

still that year i'd cherish and think of with a fond smile, in the years to come..

; beauty queens

2006-06-30T13:49:00.000+08:00

HI EVERYONE IM GONNA APPEAL TO YOU GUYS FOR TWO FAVOURS!

My very good sister, MIN, is in some WorldCup Fan Compy, so VOTE FOR HER OKAY!

http://shoppiz.com/contestants.html (She's F8, France!)

It's a little tedious la but fuck JUST REGISTER AND VOTE!

And my dearest DADA, is Miss Singapore World 2006! VOTE!

http://www.dimension88.com/missworld/index06.asp (Linda Lim, World 05!)

DONT BE LAZY JUST VOTE! VOTE VOTE VOTE!

; to stay

2006-06-30T01:04:00.000+08:00

i was reading the blog of an ex boyfriend's (pardon me, i do realise the numerous references to the men of my past lately) ex girlfriend, or fling, or something else, i have no idea.

curiousity seeps through these veins, and i wondered about their short-lived story. whether they were even officially a couple, and what caused the separation.

i am not too fond of that girl though. she kinda annoys me. and i don't know why, but it's not jealousy. lol. even if given a chance, i'll probably give him away on a silver platter, so that's that. (: hmm, distaste, disdain perhaps? lol. just an inexplicable dislike i guess.

however, thou shalt not poke her nosie into where it does not belong, lest trouble comes knocking on her door once again.

you know an excellent remedy to cheer yourself up? or boost self estemn?

just change your nick to something like nobody loves me anymore ): on msn. i did that and everyone started telling me they love me! hehehe (:

; a lonely september

2006-06-28T22:54:00.000+08:00

i'm pleasantly surprised to learn that my first love has outgrown his frivolous tendencies and is now a 101% perfect boyfriend to his long term girlfriend. (:

as swift as a hummingbird, it's been 3 years. i haven't thought of you until i chanced upon an old blog of mine, and a story i wrote for you, of us.

quality control of girlfriend: PASS!

she's pretty, sweet, and a person with an aura of infectious jubilance. genuinely kind i can tell, a little infantile tendencies to be sure, but that's what gives her this childlike quality of innocence. stick with her okay? bliss so apparently radiating from both of you makes me smile and believe in true love all over again.

my turn will come in time. i just need to have faith, and believe.. (:

; broken vow

2006-06-28T18:57:00.000+08:00

i'm going crazy with boredom. and my headache and shoulderaches are killing me.

i need a massage. ):

and i just realised i haven't met my bestie in ages. VIC WHERE ARE YOU.

and raes haven't sent me my bday card frm the us.

-major sulks

; officially missing you

2006-06-28T11:40:00.000+08:00

your bark's worst than your bite.

people have been telling me this all the time, and wanwin rebuked me severly for this ytd, that i'm way too soft hearted for my own good. but still, i could sense j's desperation to know the truth, and the pain she's going through yesterday when she called me, and i can't help the sympathy unwittingly emote.

yes, she went back on her words, and returned to his side, but should i hate her for that? it was my choice to go against my heart and told her to seek her happiness, no? as usual, i selected the role of the noble and the good, even if it ended up bruising my tender pumper of blood.

when they got back together, i was steamrolled by bittersweetness. half that what i've been trying to do since day 1 is finally accomplished, another half that.. well, he's gone. even though his recent behaviour and actions now fill me with nothing but distaste, those 2 weeks spent like a couple was indeniably sweet, and very happy.

like ****** said, thank god he chose the other jt. imagine myself in her shoes now. and unlike her, i always have ways and means to gain information. never in the dark will i be kept. to think that it could have been me, and over time, if i fall deeply in love with him, what state of agony would i be in now? so in a way i lucked out. perhaps it's karma, i tried to do the right thing despite the selfish devil's protests, and now i'm spared from the possible pain he could have otherwise inflicted on me.

i'm sorry i couldn't be of more help girl, but i don't wanna get involved with you guys anymore. i am still your friend, but not when it comes to his issues. i want nothing to do with him. take care of yourself, and i hope you will be alright. good luck.

; cradle

2006-06-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

BINGG I HOPE TER MANAGED TO GIVE YOU A BIRTHDAY SUPRISE!

ahaha. my 17th birthday this yr started off bad. i wasn't feeling too well, but i dismissed it to the lack of sleep. so went to school, tried to avoid mention of my birthday, I DIDN'T WANT A REPEAT OF LAST YR! until nat announced it to the class and yeah, birthday song! ahaha. smashed cakes as usual.

went home early, bout 9+ and when i went t the doctor, i was diagnosed with a fever of 39.4 degrees omg! and flu cough sorethroat headaches as well ): poor girl. and worst my bro's teacher called to inform us he was in clementi headquarters for suspecting rioting. not again?! ): but he told me he's really innocent this time round.

michie came over with porridge! hehehe so sweet of her, and we went down t calv's place. those two were sleeping la. too busy making babies. LOL. SORR. ww dragged us to j8 to buy clothes for her and whoa. i felt so terrible half way there, my head was spinning and i felt like i was about to collaspe. thank god for the panadols. and i saw shermin ahaha she's so pretty now she's working at paragon! <3 you girl.

then erik fetched peidong calv me ww and michie to town, went sakae sushi. joined by mich. $130 omg. and there was one uber miniscule slice of a cake LOL and i demanded 17 candles so mich ww and mich lan lan had to get 17 for me :x and since they didn't have large ones, it was 17 small candles on a SLICE of cake. and i blew it all out so hopefully the wish will come true!

played pool, saw someone i didn't wanna see and whee dragged husby down t smoke. and we left for home! ahahaha.

this year's birthday was low-key unlike the previous years, bookings of clubs, chalets, hotel, celebrating for a whole week, or anything like that. the gift count didn't hit the usual 50 mark this yr too teehee but the wishes far exceeded, thank you to the 83 texts i receieved( YES I COUNTED NO LIFE HAHAHA) and more online/calls.

but it was an enjoyable and happy one, thank you for making it good wanwin calvin peidong erik michelle-s. (:

lingozhifhi yaofaolingo nifilingo lingoshuofhuo nifilingo lingomeifei youfoulingo, lingowofo jiufiulingo lingoxiangfiang xingfinglingo nifilingo

; life goes on

2006-06-27T10:30:00.000+08:00

sometimes it stinks to be so tangled up in the convulated web of people, people and more people.

like. my previous.. person's best friend's, previously my girlfriend's person's, new interest actually turned out to be what, my good friend's friend(now my classmate)'s best friend.

annoying annoying annoying.

; i swear

2006-06-27T03:10:00.000+08:00

so. IT'S 17 17!

happy birthday to me (:

that was a whole lot of smses, calls, testimonials and msn/ircing wishes! thank you guys!

and happy birthday to yvonne(17), melvin(17), meldon(18), bingg(19). oh and i's brother too, whatever his name and age lol.

to those who couldn't get me on the phone, that's cos i've changed numbers for quite sometime alr! ahaha you could always msn or drop me a msg through friendster t ask yep(:

I'm afraid I like someone much more than I was willing to admit. Too bad that she messed me about after lying to me for so long. I feel like the biggest sucker in the world. Her name is Jovina by the way.

to you: i'm sorry, but we're way better off friends. because i have someone esle in mind. :|

and hello there flamers, your identities are kinda exposed to the world don't you think? so wouldn't it be easier to leave your names already? just so we know which one of the four's performing this time.

i don't need to explain myself, but yes, i am sticking to one guy. and that's my business yeh?

if you're a, or d, and you call me a flirt/can't stick t one guy/or anything thus related, i'm not really gonna say anything because well. i know a wasn't exactly that type and d hasn't shown that side of himself so far. maybe they are la but from what i know..

but if you're b or c, and you wanna talk about being frivolous/flirtatious, OMG. look at yourselves please. even a once told me tt one of you just hits on each and every girl you meet. and circumstances have proven it true (: both of you made promises about leaving the girlfriends, and never going back, and looked what happened? lol. a little henpecked yeah? for b, i don't really wanna say much, but you have a gf, and what are you doing not once but twice? not really nice moves huh? c, you know best what you've have done yeh? telling another girl she has attractive eyes, losing it when you see one particular waitress.. all while you're trying to get your ex gf you claimed you hated back, you define the phrase DIE FOR CUNT. and yes, if i'm so ugly, YOU wanted a piece of the ugliness. lol. i think the logs are still intact.

at least i'm STILL leaving you guys this much dignity, by not posting your names in the blog. i think your girlfriends read it as well.

all along i was telling everyone to just drop the issue. it doesn't matter. i was trying to protect someone i now realise isn't really worth a second of my time, and i didn't want to blow things outta proportion. i was okay with forget it let it go, but you guys just won't leave me alone. resentment sets in. self defense mechanism do. that's why i'm being nasty. you guys started it. i had enough.

; 6 8 12

2006-06-26T19:34:00.000+08:00

omg. i digged this outta nowhere and HEY!

my rantings, age 15! check it out check it out!

http://jovvv.blogspot.com

; you are everything

2006-06-26T16:49:00.000+08:00

money payment/collection day.

win 45 37 41 79 73 130
lose 200 150

bloody hell. win 6 matches, lost 2, and in the end i make 55 dollars.

SUCKAS!

i'm so not going out tmr. SPEND MONEY. -_-

I WANNA WIN 200 DOLLARS TONIGHT. I DONT BLOODY CARE.

BIRTHDAY LUCK!

; how to deal

2006-06-26T15:38:00.000+08:00

i am so tired but i can't seem to fall asleep.

and i'm afraid to in case i can't close those worn out peepers of mine tonight.

having a raging headache and pain all over the body. and a really bad cough.

but if i say anything to mommy dearest she'll prolly scoff and doubt my predicament. "WATCH WORLD CUP NO PROBLEM LA. GO SCHL THEN DAI JI LIAO LIAO."

i need a little sympathy not sarcsm right now ):

my time table sucks. okay take tuesdays for instance. one period at 910 - 940. break all the way to 11:40. 2 WHOLE HOURS. what do you expect me to do? go suck some toes? there're only so many cigs one can smoke right? and on weds. 940 - 1220 free period. HONESTLY. can you blame me for running off?

i left school at 11:40 today, after lit. i was too tired to hang around for 1 period, to wait for maths to start, then another 1 for chemistry.

screw st francis06. i miss all those peeps from st francis 04 and 05. we were sucha happening bunch. yes i can't deny i miss being the social butterfly. the only girl who smokes in the guys' toilet with 10+ guys, the only person who flits around from table to table making conversation, the one who could mix with both guys and girls from every country.

thai, indo, vietnam, us smokers and clubbers (my main table), the hottest girls in schl (ammy fenny suin xiujing maddy jasmine chloe), the eurasians/caucasians, the koreans, the chinese, and who have i missed?

; god can explain

2006-06-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

it's alright, i'm okay,
i think god can explain,
i believe i'm the same, i get carried away.
i'm relieved, i'm relaxed,
i'll get over it yeah.

Your presence, indeniably lights up my otherwise, expanse of black cloth.

But you're not indispensable.

Those glimmers might hurt the eyes, and I can in time, process my vision in the dark.

; part of your world

2006-06-25T08:27:00.000+08:00

sunday marks the end of the wild rollercoaster of a ride this june holidays has been.

all good things must gradually come to an end. and hopefully all nasty stuff too.

made lifelong friends, been through a breakup, a confrontation, lost a friend, sat on my first bike, stayed out for almost a week without going home, and become a compulsive gambler and soccer fanatic.

wanwin, calvin, peidong, cheexian, michelle, michelle, erik, adi, marcus-es, leon, xuanpeng, jona, james and who have i left out?

you guys will be missed (:

it's time to hit the books and the town again.

i haven't forgotten you guys too. all my homies in town!

and vic, how can the pig forget your birthday?!

happy sweet sixteen!

; smile in your sleep

2006-06-23T10:57:00.000+08:00

happy birthday husby. (:
happy birthday tze lee. (:

; doesn't really matter

2006-06-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

i've done what i can. nothing left. i'll just leave the rest to destiny.

at my aunt's place now. hahaha. haven't been home for 2days. kinda miss my bro and the little one.

and the spammers are getting majorly annoying. what's with the multiple nicknames when you share a single IP? honestly. commenting on my life when you have no idea about the half of it. and a flirt? lol. that's your perception. i don't think i'm pretty, i've never said i am yeah?

just buzz off or leave a name if you're so keen on bugging me. direct confrontations instead of hiding online please.

; the day you went away

2006-06-22T01:56:00.000+08:00

i have a very bad feeling.

and a woman such as myself have very strong intuition, accurate six sense.

the whole alwin vs jh situation is going to happen again.

and i don't like it.

this sucks.

but in this case, not as bad cos I ONLY LOVE WIN.

wah dua poh emo 6000 years.

; my oh my

2006-06-21T12:44:00.000+08:00

wow all five of us dua toh last night, or rather this morning.

calv was sleeping all the way, wanwin too, erik slightly later, and me and peidong about 7?

until 12+.

world cup mania.

sigh. you never leave my mind. was reading michie's blog, and.. now she sees you even more than i do. ah well. fuck emo. i just hope you're doing well..

; we belong together

2006-06-20T03:35:00.000+08:00

so. won 40, lost 100.

come on spain, don't let me lose another 50 or 100.

but honestly.. though all these money issues remain in my head half the time, whenever the brain has a chance to wander, it will somehow move on to you.

wanwin tells me that she knows i can move on. it's just a matter of whether i'm willing to or not. and she's right. i've been through relationships, people i never thought i'll leave and i did move on, got over them and found someone new. but in your case, i'm not sure i want to do that.

you're someone i want to learn to really love. someone whom i know i can trust my heart with.
someone who can give me security, someone whom i know will never look at anyone esle.

i want to be the one who calls you baby.
and the one you call baby..

; all or nothing

2006-06-19T12:36:00.000+08:00

you know i'll fight for you but how can i fight with someone who isn't even there?

let this be the last time hot bitter tears fall for you.

i'm sorry winnie. i'll fuck off and not let you feel like i want your life anymore, if that's what will make you happy.

you won't ever see or hear from me again, i promise.

and if fate decrees that we meet again, i will pass you by with no hint of recognition, so it's goodbye, goodbye for good from this moment.

and for what it's worth, i'll miss you, and i love you.

cause i want it all, or nothing at all.
there's nowhere left to fall,
when you reach the bottom it's now or never.
is it all or are we just friends,
is this how it ends with a simple telephone call?
you leave me here with nothing at all.

; so sick

2006-06-19T12:13:00.000+08:00

i'm so closing to breaking down. and you're not helping.

; running

2006-06-19T04:59:00.000+08:00

YES YES YES YES YES!

humiliate the french, and glory to the asians!

KOREAN PRIDE,

KIMCHI KIMCHI KIMCHI LOVERS!

weixiang bought 1 goal, and he was praying for a 1-0 to france, when i inquired how much he would win. $3+, he answered, with pink cheeks and embarassed chuckles. that's when i opened my big mouth and go, i'll have another $100 to spare if korea manages to keep the score even. i'll give you twenty.

and by a simple twist of fate, the very next minute,

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL!

; on the line

2006-06-19T03:25:00.000+08:00

one to france.

64 minutes to go, and counting.

200 on the line.

do us asians proud, our koreans in red.

; no money no honey

2006-06-19T02:35:00.000+08:00

major wipeout.

the great jovo has fallen prey to the allure of easy money. and this time, her greed's gotten the better of her.

it's money collection day tomorrow. god help me.

; i'm not okay

2006-06-18T23:31:00.001+08:00

fucking stressed la.

brazil vs australia. france vs korea.

my debts are covered up, more or less, but my bro's side.

fucking needa shit out the money.

if i win tonight i'll be able to help at least.

stupid world cup.

i'm too occupied with it to even think of anything esle.

; irresistable

2006-06-18T08:51:00.000+08:00

erik's answer to my supposedly rhetorical question is reiterating incessantly on my mind.

'i guess i'm just tired of the person?'

):

if that conclusion sums up his recent attitude towards myself, fine, i accept it.

just tell me so, instead of leaving me hanging!

Cancer's Horoscope of the Day:

Excuses, excuses! If you're tired of a situation, today's the day to make a change.

The curse of procrastination can apply to more than just boring chores, work projects and doctor's visits; if you've been putting off having a heart-to-heart conversation, that counts too! Your situation can only get better if you speak your mind and find out the real deal. So set time aside to share your concerns and get some things off your chest. Every time to you break down a wall of silence, you grow to understand yourself -- and respect yourself -- more strongly.

okay. i'm so gonna take a cab to his house and demand answers. AFTER I WAKE UP I SWEAR.

sorry, outburst. i seem to be doing alot of that these days.

; buttons

2006-06-18T08:16:00.000+08:00

this is really really random but i'm 5kgs heavier than i was before the worldcup ):

to you:
you know it's only a matter of time before i got tired of your ways. i tried to make you fire but you were only ice, and you didn't seem to wanna change. so then i looked at someone new, and he was looking back at me too, saw that i was hurt, knew just what to say, knew just how to push the pain away.

you know i need stability, and you know you can't give it to me.

though when i call him on the phone, i never feel butterflies, i know that i can trust, he'll always give me love, and i know mine will grow for him in time. he tells me that i'm beautiful, and i never ever hear that from you. he doesn't cause me pain, tears falling like the rain, and though i'm still in love with you.. you know i need stability.

it wasn't easy letting go, but i know that i have to think of the long run and say goodbye. and find someone who appreciates me even though, even though,

my sun may never rise the way it did with you. and he may never kiss me the way that you do. at least he makes me feel like a part of his life, at least he doesn't make me cry. i know i can call him mine.

; cry on my shoulder

2006-06-18T07:27:00.000+08:00

honeys i'm home!

another typical night of trauma and tension. i swear, by the time world cup is over, i'll have a major outbreak(i'm having one already!) along with wrinkles and all those little fine lines.

tonight, i lost 450. and i won 300. luckily 100 lost was on my dad's side, so teeheehee i'm so not gonna pay up! :x

this song of friendship is so.. making me cry. it's been on the replay for 5 times. EMO!

i don't wanna give up on my friendship with win. i really, really don't want to. but what should i do? take a cab down to his place and make him talk to me? i don't wanna be an irritant. ):

josh just reminded me, my birthday is nine days away.

; the last goodbye

2006-06-17T20:01:00.000+08:00

okay la i just woke up and i have to rush to meet cx.

so tired but anything for the MONEH MAN.

i wanna win $500 tonight.

WOOP.

; m2m's why

2006-06-17T10:00:00.000+08:00

why don't you call me? are you afraid?
your friends all told me, you think i'm that.

well it don't make sense, it's just craziness,
i need to know where we're at.

why when you see me, you pretend i'm not there?
but when i see your eyes, somehow you seem to care..

unbelievable, inconceivable,
need to know, if we're going anywhere..

wondering why you're acting this way baby,
wondering why you can't find any words to say.
maybe someone told you a lie,
or maybe you're being shy?
i keep wondering why..

; call him mine

2006-06-17T09:50:00.000+08:00

i swear, my body clock is so messed up i don't even have a word for it anymore. nocturnal doesn't work, anymore, what do you call a creature that wakes in the evening and sleeps at noon? i head out about 10pm every night and i reach home at what, 9 or 10 in the morning.

so yesterday, 150 for the first two matches, but 250 gone for the mexico one. shouldn't have been greedy but that's human nature and i'm no exception.

i'm enjoying singlehood, but walking contradiction that i am, i miss the perks of a relationship. i see calv and ww, or jona and jen, and i was thinking. mm. jh and i, or sam and i were so saccherine sweet during the good times.

and yeah. honestly.. i do not appreciate mentions of the ex boyfriend. even though i'm over him and everything, i see no need for so many people to tell me, hey do you know samuel's got a bike? sure, i'm happy for him and everything, but it is of no concern to me, so spare me the few minutes of reminiscing of what was. but then, i can't really remember what it feels like to be in his arms anymore, so yep i guess it's a chapter of the story of my life that i'm over and done with.

outbursted on winnie today (yes again!), but no pick up, and when he did, he refused to talk. i have no idea what's going on. but fine, have it your way, i'll just let it go.

sure i know you're mr stubborn scorpio with an ego the size of everest, but i have my pride too. i've broken down the walls, you don't even have to climb. you just have to walk straight through, is it so hard?

oh yes the song above is sooooooo meaningful to me right now, those who knows my situation, check it out. (:

; from the heart

2006-06-16T17:56:00.000+08:00

i love youuu la can. you jus keep /ignoring me whether its text msn when i see you. i have nfi whats wrong this time. jh issue over. if its adam its totally not my fault i didnt do a thing. what you said t him when he left your house really upsetting la. or maybe its what ww said i saw what she sent and no i'm not crazy in love with you i do like you but love only like a bro like how i love angus? and i'm not even pushing youfor anything i jus wanna be friends like we once were! sigh sorry outburst all but i'm tired of emoing over this, everytime someone mentions you i jus 6000years right away. and yeh i missed you t bits and pieces la. but i've did what i could now. make or break now win it's all up to you.

i sent this, and yeah no reply. and now i'm blocked.

i don't know what to say. but i really don't wanna care anymore.

like cx said, does it really matter to you how alwin sees or treats you?

why should it?

why should i let it affect me and my life?

fuck it all away.

; if tomorrow never comes

2006-06-16T08:35:00.000+08:00

siala. the more i think of him the more emo i feel.

pardon the slangs, and bad english. i haven't slept for more than four hours the day before, and not a wink today.

sigh.

why does he even matter sometimes i wonder?

i mean he's not handsome he's not rich he's not tall he's so temperamental.. blablabla.

ah wtf.

i love him because he makes me melt inside everytime he smiles.
i love him because he's the only one i can talk with about every fucking thing.
i love him because he has sucha cute personality and an annoying whiny voice.
i love him because he sent me this real cute text of him sleeping with his cat.

sighfigh. ): iloveyouuuuuu la.

; all out of love

2006-06-16T08:18:00.000+08:00

teehee.

won 25 for the first match, draw for the second, and 150 for the third (:

you swedish hotties didn't let me down. but peter crouch, beckham.. you guys broke my heart. WHY SCORE?! I WOULD'VE WON 100 more otherwise.

i was so tense during the sweden one, but cheexian was like. JOV AI ZAI PLEASE. if we lose, i'll chop off my dick for you. LOL. when we won he was like so happy please we were all hugging in exhilaration.

hmm. i think alwin blocked me la. and i'm afraid anonymous in my tagboard is him. can't blame him after i outburst all on him. lol. emo moment!

and it's kinda amusing. i've been blogging for 4 years, and this is the first time i've got a hate tag. i've got anonymous, but so far they've been kind and all, giving advice and best wishes, those kinda stuff.

so apparently someone hates me. hahaha. i'm kinda curious who, but at the same time, i don't really give one inch of a damn. i've learnt not to let others bother me, but those who matters.

and win, you really, really do matter, so i hope to jesus tapdancing christ to allah to buddha to krishna, zeus or whoever's up there, i hope it's not you.

; when you believe

2006-06-15T05:59:00.000+08:00

there can be miracles when you believe
though hope is frail it's hard to kill
who knows what miracles you can achieve
when you believe
somehow you will
you will when you believe

will there be a miracle for us? will you create a miracle by taking a chance, a walk on the wild side, or will you just let it pass you by?

i don't have much time left, only 6 months.

; we will be burning

2006-06-15T05:39:00.000+08:00

and burnt is right.

thank god germany scored in the extra time. cut down losses by half. so it's 100 gone for germany, 50 gone for tusinia. and 100 for adi's perfume. stress. money issues.

yeah but i won 100 of a particular bast's money. hahaha. wouldn't i like to see him boil, honestly.

at wanwin's house now. met up with my michie, mich, erik, husby, cheexian and the rest. chilled, but it was mostly tensing about the matches. all of us are like little bookies i swear.

and you. i hate to admit this but i fucking miss you can.

what do you want me to do, rip my heart out so you can see it bleed?

sigh. emo one hundred mullun years.

; letters to you

2006-06-14T11:07:00.000+08:00

Just reached home. Yawns.

Wanwin forced me to Toapayoh, and she was all, oh only Calv and Peidong's there! Okay since she came out with threats all, fine just go don't think. LEPAK! When I got there, Husby came down to pass me money for the cabfare. And yep I was happily chirping, so who's there who's there! "Calvin, Dick, Iain, someone, someone and someone."

Yep. The 3 people I want to see least in the world. So yeah, curse swear all, but kept it cool, walked away with Husby, muttering profanities at Wanwin when she called and "SIS I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW."

In the cab to gardens with Husby, Sis, Calv. Whoa. Meesah OUTBURST FIVE WHOLE FUCKING MINUTES. Lol. Moment of silence. Wanwin wanted to cry. LOL. I have my moments yeah. So went to Happy Daze, hung with the rest. BLOODY FRANCE LOST. There goes my $50. Annoying asswipes those french.

Oh yes had my first bike ride on James's bike! OMGOMGOMG I'M SO ADDICTED <3. The wind rushing through the face all.. OOHLALA!

Then went over to Erik's house. Croatia vs Brazil. I betted $50 on Brazil, but last minute added another $100 to Croatia. WOOP! WIN WIN WIN! A few issues here and there, some people push blame all about Worldcup and details lol. Don't wanna talk about it cos it's none of my business. Kinda disturbing though.

Poor Adi Cassian Leon Omg. Heartache for them. Met Adi for breakfast to make sure he's okay.

Yep then cabbed home. Tired man.

; gei wo ni de ai

2006-06-13T19:46:00.000+08:00

Awoken from a slumber of 12 hours!

(:

IT'S ALIVE IT'S ALIVE!

Betting on Brazil and France tonight... BIG MONEY PLEASE!

Fawwaz asked me down to Cityhall to watch them jam, Wanwin wants to head somewhere or other but I CAN'T GO OUT. I haven't bought my new contact lens so I'm blind as a bat. :

Rejoined mIRC after 123123 years and WOOP. Everyone was like. "JOVINA!" Some I could remember, others I simply.. o.o? Ahaha. Josh says "ACT POP" but hey it's not that chayank! It's simply.. FEELING THE LOVE!

jovina is * jovina.
@#jovina @#hardwarezone #emo @#DXO +#fatigue #1989 +#1988 +#1987 +#1986
jovina has been idle 5secs, signed on Tue Jun 13 18:50:48
jovina End of /WHOIS list.

Oh and yes, was talking to Dion. Small small world, honestly! Was just dropping by Jason's ktv room with the people from Indulge and Wanwin was asking Jason to pass fags to this guy named Dion. And I was like.. DION? Not like there's only one Dion in Singapore but his name rang a bell and I looked closely at him, vaguely resembled the picture I saw eons back. After all, I was pretty close to Ter years ago and Dion was his brother (:

It's so lucky to be the owners of unique names, he told me I was the only Jovina he knew, and that when he heard the name, it was DINGDINGDING! Ahahaha.

It's times like this when I feel so, like Arun calls it, socialite-ish. Just like when Dick claimed the other day, half amused, half exasperated. "WHO DON'T YOU KNOW?!"

; that's when i love you

2006-06-13T05:26:00.000+08:00

when you have to look away
when you don't have much to say
that's when i love you
i love you just that way

to hear you stumble when you speak
or see you walk with two left feet
that's when i love you
i love you endlessly

and when you're mad cos you lost the game
forget i'm waiting in the rain
baby i love you
i love you anyway

so here's my promise made tonight
you can count on me for life
cause that's when i love you
when nothing you do can change my mind
the more i learn the more i long
the more my heart can't get enough
that's when i love you
when i love you no matter what

so when you turn to hide your eyes
cause the movie made you cry
that's when i love you
i love you a little more each time

and when you can't quite match your clothes
and when you laugh at your own jokes
that's when i love you
i love you more than you know

and when you forget that we had a date
and that look that you give when you show up late
baby i love you
i love you anyway

that's when i love you
when nothing baby, nothing you do can change my mind
that's when i love you
when i love you, no matter what

An uberuberuber sweet song crooned lightly by Aslyn's angelic vocals to cheer me and all you guys up! Ask me to send it to you online or better yet, GIY! Get it yourself!

Yep, and stating the obvious, it's going out to You, the one I love (:

; il be there

2006-06-13T05:12:00.000+08:00

You, would never know that because of you, and the risk I'm unwilling to take, of sabotaging the friendship I hold so dear to heart, but which is apparently nothing of value in your eyes, I've turned down not one, but now two of your friends, and ruined chances of relationships that might with a little dash of luck, just turn out perfectly wonderful.

But there's no room in my heart for regrets, simply because, You, I know you can be my dream come true.

Seeking my angel from above, and I want it to be you.

so don't you think it's obvious that i want to say more?
but everything to be said to you will be said in this letter,
then burned away,
so you'll never realise i'm here.

; my immortal

2006-06-11T18:47:00.000+08:00

fuck emo la okay. fuck it all fuck it all away.

why am i sucha depressie anyway? i seriously have no fucking idea.

going to go down all the way to town to do nothing and i'm broke.

life's a stink.

i'm pissed with ww. i found out what she told calv and win and like. EXCUSE ME YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO GO CRC! I WANTED TO SLEEP! I DIDN'T WANT T GO! and I'M NOT CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HIM. WTF! I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS! I'M NOT EVEN PUSHING HIM SO WHY ARE YOU SIS?!?! AND I HAVEN'T BEEN WHINING ABOUT HIM FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

omg. i feel like screaming now.

prolly gonna select some twit to pick on and diss later.

teeheehee.

gonna watch xmen cartoon now.

jov.. out.

; evanescence

2006-06-11T18:37:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired of being here suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave i wish that you would just leave
your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

you cry i'd wipe away all of your tears
you scream i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
you'll still have all of me

you use to captivate me with your resonating light
now i'm bound by the life you've left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

i tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along.

; all by myself

2006-06-11T12:46:00.000+08:00

think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

freaking moody.

sigh.

i don't even wanna talk about why.

fuck la.

lets hope my kokocrunch cheers me up.

; wanna ride

2006-06-11T05:04:00.000+08:00

the adrenaline is still pumping.

wanted t buy another huge bar of cadbury to curb the chocoholic craving within, so i went with edwin t 711, and then t his place t finish his supper of hokkien mee. YUMMEH!

then i rode back, or attempt t ride at least. i haven't been on a bike for ages! was kinda shaky at first but gradually it came back and woosh! the cold night air whipping my hair and face, speeding on the road, i felt on top of the world. (:

what's funny was, edwin was 'running/walking/jogging' and he didn't pespire half as much as i did. ahaha. i need the exercise anyway, i ate a packet of instant noodles, and half a pack of hokkien mee! omg. i can feel the weight already.

i was 50 yesterday. 53 today. HELP HELP HELP!

oh and yeah, i might be using the old blog(the burial vault) as a private one.

******miss***.blogspot.com.

remember? teehee those who do manage to find me, drop me a tag! (:

and no it's not jovinamisswin.blogspot.com

LOL. okay not funny i know.

cold jokes at 5:10 am.

did i mention i was bloated? my stomach feel like it's gonna burst any moment.

; loosen up my buttons

2006-06-11T01:22:00.000+08:00

I'm bored outta my mind. Shoulda just headed to town or Mdm Wong's instead of lazing around at home.

Met Michie for dinner at Swensen's. Sinful indulgences. :

I just keep eating. I had tunafish toast and I feel like cooking noodles now.

Namie Amuro is so hot. I can't wait for my hair to grow so I can perm it again! Gonna set aside $500 myself this time otherwise Dad's gonna blow again. I remember the scene at the salon when I told him. Uh Dad it's $453. Lol. He turned green, literally. But afterwards he smiled and told me I look like a korean girl, and that the perm was pretty good. -_-

Mom saw the cuts on my hand and she started crying. ): I thinks she thinks I need special attention, which is why she's suggesting breakfast at delifrance tomorrow. Mm. I should shamelessly take advantage of this and drag her shopping. Saw lotsa clothes I need in the wardrobe. All tops though. -frowns I need jeans. Skirts too.

Mom threw away two of my skirts cos they were apparently too short. -rolls eyes

Meow!

; one last cry

2006-06-10T12:38:00.000+08:00

Just let me whine.

2 kgs of lard and fats added to the original.

That little black rose, supposedly bodyart, is hurting. An irritating piece of scab that can't be picked at, or flicked away.

And along with that, the cuts self inflicted last night with Win's razor. I can only hope it's clean and won't cause bothersome infections.

The worst of all, my command of the English language. Where are my flowery languages, beautiful proses I wonder? I look at my previous blogs and I was slightly impressed. Now? I read my entries and I am utterly horrified, disgusted and the rest. Really and truly I am ):

; from the heart

2006-06-10T12:18:00.000+08:00

Yep, Judith and JH are back together, and congratulations to them (:

A little upsets, issues the night before, but I hope they're all cleared up now.

Beep. Beep.

Everyone is asking me the same question nowadays.

"What're you going to do about Win?"

Uh.. how about.. nothing? Lol.

I'm very happy with our relationship right now. Friends (: and in time, I hope, close like we once were.

I'll always have a soft spot for my teapot, but that's probably all there is to it. Don't really know the answer myself.

; closer t you

2006-06-10T12:08:00.000+08:00

Fell asleep.

When I woke up, I think it was 5+pm already! So late and Adam's been waiting for me for hours omg. Rushed rushed down to cine. Went to find husby and the rest at the egames area teehee(: Saw someone I haven't seen in a long while.. -winks

Went over to pass Michie her IC, and yep I got hugged again! Ahaha I'm okay girlfriend, don't worry bout me. IT'S ALL GOOD. I think. Then pooled at Mambo with Adam and Ruben. Okay, they pooled, I watched tv. Nice show okay I'm starting to love Fann Wong.

Slacked with Unknown, unknown, and unknown's girlfriend as well as the two. And apparently, I look like Ruben's ex girlfriend. Lol. I've been hearing alot of this you look like so and so lately. It's kinda disconcerting to realise there are people around who look like you.

Went down to Bishan to wait for Calv and Bo2 and Lydia. In the end, Adam decided to watch World Cup's opening with us over at Win's place. So we cabbed over first, cos the rest were buying food.

ANGUS BABY IS SO CUTE OMG. I wish I can bring him home. But he'll probably eat my dog up.

Yup so slacked around all 7 of us. Sam or something came over too. It was like a chalet lol. The aircon was. WHOOP. So nice to sleep. But the poor boy ended up sleeping in the couch in the living room! 2 beds fully occupied. Feel so guilty please. Would have made him come up if we knew he wasn't in the basement's queenbed. Overslept. Bo2's late for work lol. And I'm still in Adam's pe tee and Win's boxers.

Oh yeah. It feels so weird to be blogging about what I did and all lol. I never used to do that. -_- Maybe I'm not sucha emo kid already. Those antidepressants are good I swear.

My tattoo hurts. ):

; dying inside t hold you

2006-06-09T13:29:00.000+08:00

The silliest comments are more often than not, the very sweetest ones. And what I heard made me smile, really smile (:

"Who tamed you Alwin?"
"Jovina."

Ahaha.. How long exactly was that I wonder? The I love my master thing? I can't really remember.

Everyone thinks. But me, and you.

You guys fill in the blanks.

sighfigh. ifi missfiss youfou sofo fuckfuckingfing muchfuch winfin.

; unfaithful

2006-06-09T13:27:00.000+08:00

Just got home from Gabe's chalet.

Eventful, eventful yesterday.

Started off meeting Bo2 and Xiankai at Peninsula. Yep. Tattoo-ed (: But I got mine a little too low though. Sigh. Bo2 enlarged hers. Otherwise, we share identical tattoos. Sign of sisterhood! Ahaha.

Long and Adam joined us at Raffles Starbucks. Adam brought me the 'dinner' he promised. Potatoes and MORE potatoes! But it was kinda good la hahaha. Xk and Long had to go off for dinner, and Ww for photoshot and me for singing class so POOF!

Singing class was exhausting. Vocal expression. Happy, Sad, Anger, Joy. Omg please. For happy there's like happy for a normal level of delight, and joy for exhilarated ones. Sad, there's sad, and depressed. Anger, irritation and livid. We have to learn the way to sing a song the way it should be sung, and not according to our moods on that particular day.

Then Calv fetched me with Mich to Parklane. Watched them matched. I think they won la. Lol. Found out alot of shit, and I felt so bad for pushing her back into the lion's den. Poor girl. But I'm not gonna say anything cos yeah people will just think I'm trying to be a spoiler and everything. -rolls eyes. I'll just wash my hands off everything (: PS with Ww Calv Mich Husby Cus and uh the outburst guy I can't remember his name.

LOL. Ww was like so rushing to Gardens and Cus was like. Why? Gardens got happy air ah. Hahaha.

So went down. Lepakeddd. No difference from PS honestly. But the good thing was I met up with Cliff! Ahaha and he was like. Jov remember where we met SIX years ago? -pointed at Macs

Then Ww had a call. Gabe collasped. OMFG. Cabbed to Changi Hospital. Thank god the cab uncle was this obliging 30+ guy. He told us he would speed for us, and asked us to leave our numbers so we could explain that he was speeding with a cause. Reached there way before the ambulance. Thank god Gabe was fine. Sigh. Poor sis. I can't say anymore here. Emo talked with Kenneth and Genesis, found out lotsa stuff yeah. Ah well.

Chalet. The food was fabulous. Everything was going smoothly until. Bout 9 in the morning, barely slept for half an hour, awoken by SCREAMS. Genesis and Lydia. Fighting. :\ Shall not say more too.

I'm so tired. And I have 100/500 left. Won't be getting anymore money until my birthday on the 27th. -gulps

18 days away. 100. That's like 5 bucks a day omg. I'm so dead.

; il take the tears

2006-06-08T06:42:00.000+08:00

Update on the Alwin front. Like many people's been asking me.

Wanwin thinks I should have a good talk with him. I'm doubtful. Talk about what? Things have been different, even though we've mended our friendship. The comfy feeling has been replaced with awkwardness. I could once hug him, hold his hand, just like a close friend. Not any longer. Like Selwyn says, a glass once broken, though mended, will always have the cracklines. Maybe it was the confession that I loved him, or just my relationship with his friend that soured it all. I have no idea. It's indubitable that I'll always have a soft spot for Alwin, like I had for years. But romantic love? I really don't know about that anymore.

And on the JH side.. Just like the previous, many have been questioning.

I'll admit that I miss him. Miss having him around in my life. But that's all there is to it. I know I don't love him. How can I love somebody after 2weeks?! I don't even really know him deep down. Yep, let's not even mention love in this case aight?(:

AND JUDES!!!!!

Sigh. JH isn't a ball or a present! We keep trying to pass him to each other. He's a human being with emotions! I've realized this, so you should too. I made my choice, to end whatever we had. He made his too, that you're the one for him. Don't tell me not to give up on him now because it's over, over! Past is the past, let it go. No longer do I want to be implicated in this triangle because I cherish both friendships, with you and him, I want to keep them!

I'll be happy for you guys, however it turns out (: What will your choice be? It's your turn now. :D

; come home soon

2006-06-08T06:22:00.000+08:00

Teehee. I'm so happy!

My best friend texted all the way from Aussie to tell me she missed me (: And Daniel's finally online after 123123 years! Ahaha I miss him so much. That silly boy's been busy working since he returned to Taiwan, I think he's really turned over a new leaf. Now all I need is Raes's birthday card from the US.

She's been sending it for years since she left. Last years was a 5page, homemade one. It made me cry, and every year, her words of love are the most treasured among the gifts. SO RAES. I DEMAND ONE THIS YEAR AS WELL. DON'T DISAPPOINT ME!

Dan said I've lost weight. Heehee. He was all like. If I'm in Sg now I'll definitely want you back. And I was all smiles, whining bout waiting for him for 3 whole months while he was in RTC till he was sent back to Taiwan with a 1year ban from Singapore. Then he had to spoil the moment.

"But you're such a player. Change boyfriends like shirts. What if I'm the next unwanted shirt!"

You're one to talk MR FU CHIEH HSUN. You change girlfriends like SOCKS. And when I asked him for a testi he was like. The truth or the false side of you? And I was like. WHAT'S THE TRUTH AND WHAT'S THE FALSE MR FU?

Apparently this is the truth bout me. Cute Sweet Sexy Nice Lousygirlfriend Flirt Unfaithful. False? Tiongxim (it means like. 1 heart to 1 guy, devoted all), Wonderful girlfriend. Omg. I don't know whether I should hug him or kill him man. I'VE CHANGED OKAY! And I wasn't a lousy girlfriend to you ): Xmas and New Year sat outside Changi Prison just to be close to you! Asshole.

I dug this outta my old blog.

-

JOVINA & DANIEL.

know he's hot la but. private property of jovina. see no touch! hands OFF chieh hsun my precious please!

3mths+ apart, with only court, phonecall, and letters as tools t communicate.

the sun never really shone, the one you claimd you can't take your eyes off cos she's more beautiful than the sunrise never smiled a true smile again. dreary days, long and lonely, spent outside changi prison, jes t get close t you.

while those nights, cold, cheerless and disconsolate, she spent with cigarettes and alcohol as sole companions, staring at the starry sky, wondering if the raindrops were falling, down those changi skies too.

it's getting lighter everyday. soon the rain will stop falling. i can see the slightest glimpse of a rainbow ahead, full of promise, of the beautiful future we share ahead.

WE ARE IN LOVE, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD, HOW WE ROCK EACH OTHER'S WORLD?

-

Uber sweet eh? Told you people I HAVE A SOFT SIDE.

Everyone's so excited about the F language in my blog. LOL. Arun was telling me I should translate it so that the clueless would get it. THATIS THE WHOLE POINT OF USING IT SILLY! And Josh was even more of a retard. He used F language in chinese. LOL. Wo Dong. I know became WOfo DONGfong. WTF!

Dan is getting annoying! Argh.

"Those guys who don't know the unwanted shirt ending will try their luck with you. Luckily i knew your bro 1st thn know you as a friend. If nt.. i am nw 1 of ur unwanted shirts thrown at don't know which corner of ur bedrm already."

BEN DAN. I can't imagine why I was so crazy about you :P

jovina.* says: of course la!
jovina.* says: otherwise i kill you
hw i wish i can return to the time when we were stil together. says: for what kill me ...
hw i wish i can return to the time when we were stil together. says: my heart already died for you long ago
jovina.* says: HAHAHAHA.
jovina.* says: LIES
hw i wish i can return t e time when we were stil together. says: even if lies oso white lies.
hw i wish i can return t e time when we were stil together. says: white lies juz to mak u lov mi much ^^

LMAO. This asswipe ah. WTFH!

And now he's all "Stop playing! We're such good friends now and you wanna treat me as another toy? Do you have to play with all males besides Jenson?! (he's my brother)" LOL.

I'll go to sleep smiling because of him. I really missed his crazy talks. (:

And I'm so gonna clarify this.

I AM NOT A PLAYER ANYMORE! NONONONONO! The Queen of Love them & Leave them has become Miss Perfect Girlfriend Wannabee!

; BORED + HUNGRY = CRANKY

2006-06-08T01:20:00.000+08:00

wahfahlaofao. ifi amfam fuckfuckingfing boredfored.

which explains why i'm talking like this.

and i've nothing to blog about. except for the lack of food in my fridge. shoulda bought instant noodles from 7 11 just now ):

plans for tmr? wake up. dress up. tattoo. meet xiankai in town, 4. meet adam at 7. he's passing me dinner he made for me (: thank you my silly nut! after tt, gabriel's chalet. hopefully there's still food lol. the food is absolutely mouth watering. which reminds me.

my stomach is calling.

tuna puffs here i come!

; lingajiafialingahaofaolinga.

2006-06-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

lingasighfighlinga. lingawherefere arefare lingayoufoulinga?

lingadofo youfou everfere thinkfink afaboutfout lingamefelinga? lingadofo youfou everfere lingarefemifiniscefiscelinga? lingaifi cantfant befelievefieve ifi amfam actfactingfing likefike lingathisfishlinga. lingaifi knowfnow itsfits crafrazyfy howfow ifi stillfill canfan feelfeel yourfour lingakissfisslinga.

lingaifi missfiss youfou sofo muchfuch andfand ifi dontfont knowfnow whatfhat tofo lingasayfaylinga. lingaifi knowfnow ifi shouldfhould knowfnow betfetterfer butfut itsfits justfust notfot thefhe casefase. lingaitsfits beenfeen sixfix daysfays eightfeight hoursfours twelvefwelve minfinutesfutes sincefince youfouwent lingaafawayfaylinga.

lingadofo youfou everfer askfask afaboutfout lingamefelinga? lingadofo youfou stillfill thefhe samefame orfor hasfas timefime putfut outfout thefhe lingaflameflamelinga? lingaifi missfiss lingayoufoulinga, lingaisfis everferyfythingfhing lingaofokayfaylinga?

lingaitsfits hardfard enoughfough justfust passfassingfing thefhe lingatimefimelinga whenfhen ifi cantfant getfet youfou offfoff myfy lingamindfindlinga.

lingaandfand wherefere isfis thefhe goodfood infin lingagoodfoodbyefyelinga?

; rush rush

2006-06-07T22:36:00.000+08:00

Went out looking like a Suateng to meet the Bo2 who was late as usual. The tattoo studio was closed! There goes $15 cab each.. but the tattoist was really nice, he told us to come down tomorrow and he'll give us a discount of $15. Ahaha. But of course, it'll be cabbing down tomorrow again so.. -rolls eyes.

Yep, cabbed to Win's place. That pig was sleeping. Watched Scary Movie 3 with Bo2 and Calv. I love his cat! Omg he looks like Garfield I swear. Interesting happenings. *cough but I shall not say more to protect the privacy of people.

Zoomed to Gabriel's chalet to send his niece, nephew and me home. The BBQ food was YUMMY. Omg. Stingray and satay was heaven in the mouth. The kids were adorable. Small hands. I can't wait for my own.

It was a good day I realised. No time to emo.

Very very nice. (:

; the hardest thing

2006-06-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

AIYO.

Major stress. Come online only and I see disturbing nicknames.

its like so duh that she loves u too. its written all over.

Okay, LET ME SAY IT ONE MORE TIME! LAST I SWEAR.

I really appreciate your concern for me girlfriend, BUT NO NO NO. Don't let me be a factor in your choice. Make your choice and stick to it okay. Choose the one that will make you happy(:

Ahaha. That's enough. I'm washing my hands off this now! Don't wanna get involved.

I'm running so late again. Gotta meet Bo2 for my tattoo. Didn't get it done yesterday after all!

And Mich, TEEHEE. Don't remember the 6th anymore. It's all in the past.

EVERYBODY LOVES IAIN EVERYBODY LOVES IAIN EVERYBODY LOVES IAIN!

; shake it off

2006-06-07T07:29:00.000+08:00

Major late day. Withdrawing money took about one hour. I swear I'll never do it again -_-

Collected cigs from Cx at gardens. Watched Adi, Unknown, and Cassian drink. Lol. Lepaked.

Went off for movie with Ww, Calv and Husby. Picked Win up at his house. Omg ANGUS IS SO CUTE AND FAT. But Cindy was kinda scary.

Marina was closed, so went to Grand Cathay. Omen. Disappointing ): Ending was. Tsk.

Had supper, and then chilled at Coffee Club till the morning again.

I'm going to sleep now I think.

; without you

2006-06-07T07:22:00.000+08:00

I heard someone mention your name, and I couldn't help but flinch.

I saw your face in the video, and I couldn't help the pinch.

You're on my mind half the time.

I miss having you around.
I miss being the center of your attention.
I miss watching you play pool.
I miss playing ******* and ***** ** ** **** with you.
I miss having you to cuddle up to in movies.
I miss you teasing me whenever I jump at the scary parts.
I miss the way your hand just reaches for mine so naturally.
I miss feeling your arm across my waist.
I miss you feeding me.
I miss having your shoulder to lean on when I'm tired.
I miss teasing you about everything and anything at all.
I miss your calls and your texts.

Simply, simply, I miss you..

But you'll never know, cos I can't and I won't tell you.

; so sick of love songs

2006-06-07T07:11:00.000+08:00

you've got somewhere else t be, promises t keep.
someone else who loves you, and trusts you fast asleep.

i've made up my mind, there is no turning back.
she deserves better than tt.

it's the hardest thing il ever have t do,
t look you in the eye, and tell you i don't love you.
it's the hardest thing il ever have t lie.
t show no emotion when you start t cry.

can't let you see what you mean t me,
when your hands are tied and your heart's not free.
we're not meant t be.

it's the hardest thing il ever have t do,
t turn around and walk away, pretending i don't love you.

so you can get on with your life,
i gotta be cruel t be kind.
all my love il be sending and you will never know
cos there can be no happy ending.

maybe another time, another day.
as much as i want to, baby i can't stay.

; 666

2006-06-06T16:10:00.000+08:00

666 is looking good for me so far (:

He came back.

Thou shalt not say more.

Ask me for details la you KPOS. I know you wanna know. LOL.

thankfhank youfou winfin.

; 3 cheers for the bimbos

2006-06-06T07:50:00.000+08:00

Yawns. I just got home from town.

Hung with Kenneth, Genesis, Lydia, Jason, Jiayi(yes my namesake woop!), Kenneth, Unknown and Glenn before the Bimbo2 turned up.

Caught a CHINESE MOVIE which the Bimbo2 asked Jason to buy tickets for. Happy family or something. Omg it was.. hilariously crappy.

Yep, after that the rest went for a meeting for Rebirth, and Lydia, Bimbo2 and I went to partyworld. And was joined by Gen, Jason, Jiayi and Kenneth (he fucking looks like daniel fu chieh hsun please!). Jason and Jiayi totally have something on man. LOL. Kenneth and I sang Ni Zui Zhen Gui, and dedicated it to them. Ended with Ni Shi Wu Gui (You're a turtle and hey it rhymes!) because Jason was too CHICKEN to look at her throughout the song. AHAHAHA.

And he totally let her off in pool please. Aiyo! She's good she could have won you yeah!

Oh yes, and I'm now on the guest list of Rebirth, even though I'm not a runner or anything. Teehee. Freeloader :x Unashamed too. :x

Ate INSTANT NOODLES with the Bo2 after tt. Sitting at cheers all. Lol. Felt so old school cine man. Those good old days. And after that, we just chilled at the coffee club. Emo talking. We both agreed that his smile is the sweetest. Heart melting! Ahaha. And chain smoking until about 7am!

We're meeting later at gardens. I havta collect cigs from Cheexian. A black rose tattoo for both of us! SISTERHOOD!

I promised her I won't back out. Ah. It's my second and I'm still nervous!

Should I or should I not!?!?!

Oh yes and before I forget, today's my brother's 15th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DIDI! 060606! Catching the Omen too. I think I'm gonna faint with exhaustion. -__-

And another oh yes! Please, please, LEAVE ME ALONE if you're attached/have strings tied. Attraction is one thing, but taking it further, no please. And the feeling isn't mutual btw. I don't need these complications in my life. And yep, it's going out to you, G.

ifi missfiss youfou winfin.

; this is for you

2006-06-06T07:33:00.000+08:00

Judith,

I am very grateful, and touched that you thought of me. For once, I realise that I'm not just a stupid bugger, who cares about others, and gets fucked up in the end. Even though you were a stranger to me, I took your feelings into consideration, and I tried to do what I thought was best.

And now I realise that you're doing the same thing. But please. Please. Don't let me pull you down from any chance at happiness. Don't let me affect your relationship with him. You guys were together for 2 years, 10 months! What's that if not love, silly girl? He is just a guy I've barely known for 2 weeks. It's normal for humans to feel loss. And I don't deny I miss him, but only as a friend. I enjoyed his companionship, but I'm in love with somebody else. And you know who that is right? :P

Thank you for trying to spare my feelings, just like I once did for you. But I don't want you to do that. It's not fair to JH too. You two love each other! Please don't give what you share up. I love to meet couples who stuck it out for a long time, and you two, YEP, definitely. I want you happy. And it'll be a bonus if you can make him happy too.

I've said this so many times, and I'll say it one more time. I wish you both all the best, with all the sincerity from my heart. I'll love to bump into you guys on the street one day, acting like those lovesick couples. LOL. I mean it.

Take care, girl. Good luck in everything(:

; hips don't lie

2006-06-05T17:02:00.000+08:00

I realise I blog alot. 5 entries in a day! Omagawd.

Were supposed to meet at 5. I was ready to leave my sanctuary only at 5. Prepared to rush, when the Bitch texted that she just woke up. -_- Goodness. So that leaves me an extra half hour to chill at home.

The puncture marks on my neck are fading. Slowly but surely. Time heals all wounds. Including scars of the heart. (: And YAY, I don't have to listen to Mom's naggy lectures about the importance of chastity anymore. Ahaha.

Hips don't lie is so so infectious. Lol. I can't help swaying to the beat.

Feel like clubbing! But on a Monday? Tsktsk.

Partyworld, here we come!

I know you still care for him girl.
I can see it easily, from the way you asked me whether he contacted me.
There's absolutely nothing between me and him now. Don't worry unnecessarily.
Take care, and all the best to both of you. (:

; sisterly bonding

2006-06-05T14:52:00.000+08:00

Pool at Toapayoh with the Possums. Sweet memories(:

I was pleasantly suprised when Michie came to me the night before and chirped "Want me to report anything?"

Ahaha. I guess it's natural for us to share, when it comes to this whole issue. After all, for 2 whole weeks, it's been me and JH, her and I***. Trust grows, and something else.. Between the guys and girls la PLEASE. No homosexuality involved here, I'm not sure about JH though. LOL. Jokes only okay. :x

What I can't tell anyone else, not even my best friend, I find myself pouring it all out to her. Perhaps because she knows everything first-hand, and it's too painful for me to tell the entire tale from the start to anyone else. And I know she's someone I can trust. Yes, I don't deny I'm afraid of letting the stone wall around me fall, so girl, don't let me down alright? Please..

My indecisiveness cost me more than I thought it would. Care and affections, which I thought never existed. A relationship which I will never speak of again. I was foolish, weak, and even now, everytime she talks to me, I feel guilt that I actually allow myself to feel for her man. Given a second chance, I know I'll soften towards her again, and push him away a second time. Silly I guess, but it's this conscience and heart that makes me Jov that I hope you guys love (:

But YOU. Don't reiterate my mistakes. I swear I'll stab you if you do! Good luck to you and your Possum brother. Teehee.

; the passion of xjapan

2006-06-05T05:05:00.000+08:00

Husby sent me this two links and tada!

Emo night.

Check them out, they're really good.

xjapan's last: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex2z2154cHc&search=xjapan
hide's funeral: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEO14xvPOoc&search=xjapan

Respect for Japan's most outstanding band.

And a tribute to Hide, the rare talent whose demise too young, a suicide, is truly a tragedy to the music industry.

; behind a facade

2006-06-05T02:10:00.000+08:00

Wish I told him how I really felt,
maybe we'll be together right now
but instead..

Jealousy? Hurt?

To think of, to miss, to yearn?

No, I have not the slightest right to feel anything at this point of time.

So hidden from the world will every pain I emote. And allow no one to intrude into my private arena.

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing in more everyday
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even though nobody knows

The nights are lonely the days are so sad
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
But nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
I'm screaming at night as if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel

And I'm dying inside, I'm crying inside, I'm trembling inside
And Nobody Knows It But Me

When will I be brave enough to say this?

Tomorrow morning I'll hit the dusty road
Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Perhaps never..

; a beautiful life ahead

2006-06-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

New leaf.

Say hello, to the girl that I am.

I wanna learn to love myself. And everyone else.

Forgive and forget everything(:

Only 6months left in Singapore. Make it worthwhile.

; half an hour more

2006-06-04T23:26:00.000+08:00

Mmhmm.

I found out something the teapot said about me. Which is really upsetting.

Lol. You've known me for two years. Am I sucha person?

But whatever man.

I thought I'd found someone worthy of my love. Someone sincere, and true. Someone faithful. Silly, sensitive, a little temperamental, no doubt, but not some backstabbing.. you get the idea.

I thought wrong, apparently.

Dad once told me. If people are good to you, be twice as good to them. And if they're fucked, fuck them up. Don't ever be soft. Don't worry Dad. I won't follow in your footsteps and get cheated/owed outta millions. I'll make it, I'll do you proud Daddy.

Half an hour more to the new leaf!

Byebye little miss emo! (:

; fly away

2006-06-04T20:53:00.000+08:00

I'll let everything go.

I'll hold nobody dear to my heart.

I'm tired..

Enough's enough.

; a night of drama

2006-06-04T05:22:00.000+08:00

Okay, I won't wanna blog too detailed bout the happenings.

Gotta protect some people's privacy.

I do feel guilty for crashing his chalet. It was his birthday celebration after all. But.. I don't think he deserves anything less. Especially towards Judith. I have nothing but antipathy towards him now. Nonchalance, in a way. No more disgust, no more anger or guilt. Like Dick said, we knew each other for only two weeks. If it's true that yes, I was just someone to spite Judith, cool. It wasn't like I was in love with him or anything lol, and everyone knows that, and who's the one I really care about. I made it clear even to him himself. (:

I wish you two both the best, and I do hope you can work things out. I just hope you know that, I didn't tell stuff to Judith just to get you into shit. We happened to talk, and gosh. Everything came spilling out on both sides. All the stories, and lies from you. I like people to be happy, I have no reason to try and spoil things between you guys. Why would I end it otherwise? Why would I turn you down because of her? So yup, I'm DEFINITELY not jealous or anything lol. I've got my own problems to deal with, and fortunately, it doesn't concern you at all. I don't even think I wanna have anything to do with you.

Oh yes, in case everyone thinks I'm this total bitch/flirt/whatever, like Calv told me, let me make it clear. I broke up with him before I went down to meet Michelle with another guy to collect her IC. And the guy was just a good brother of mine. Nothing else. So, people don't assume alright?

And if you really want your money for the cabs back, sure. Lol. Just please, don't make it sound like I leeched from you. The time you asked me whether I can go home myself, I told you of course. Other times, did I not tell you I can go home myself, it's okay you don't have to send me home? You insisted. Did I not tell you we can drop off at TP first the night you were drunk? Did I not shove a note in your hand? Another time I told you to go home first. You insisted on sending me back. Did I try to pay for stuff, but you just go it's okay baby? You know the truth yeah. I've never been a money leecher and I didn't start being one with you please.

I enjoyed your company this two weeks, and your friendship. I'm sorry things turned out this way. But there's no helping it. Things always get complicated when a relationship comes in. So, friendship left or not, I don't really wanna care about it. I wish I never entered your life. And I guess you wish you never entered mine. Everything would be so much easier.

Sigh. Which brings me to the problem.

I now know what it is, but I still can't figure out WHY. I mean, friends with him, so what? ):

Didn't I make it clear that You're the one that matters?

Thanks for the hug anyway. It felt sweet though kinda awkward hahaha. (:

I love you. My softie who likes to act tough. Let those walls down please. I need you. I really, really do.

; the ultimate BASTARD

2006-06-03T20:57:00.000+08:00

Fuck those previous posts. Fuck all I said and felt.

CHONG JIAHAO IS THE ULTIMATE BASTARD I'VE MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I just found out shocking news.

I don't know whether I'm hurt or upset. I do know I'm fuming. Livid. Fucking ANGRY.

I've never felt hatred like this. Seriously.

Total disgust.

I bet Judes feel the same way.

Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

; a conversation with kits

2006-06-03T18:26:00.000+08:00

-lousyboy- : why sigh...
jovina.* : i feel terrible
-lousyboy- : whats wrong gal
jovina.* : i thought i didnt care about this guy.
jovina.* : i broke up with him.
jovina.* : i feel guilty and i want to make it up
jovina.* : but he already has no feelings left.
-lousyboy- : ahhhh
-lousyboy- : how you know he has no feelings left :(
jovina.* : lol.
jovina.* : he said no.
-lousyboy- : maybe stick around
-lousyboy- : show him you care and all ><
jovina.* : he told me to stop contacting him.
jovina.* : so i will respect him.
-lousyboy- : omg
-lousyboy- : thats harsh x.X
jovina.* : yes.
-lousyboy- : *hug
-lousyboy- : man he ask you to not contact him..isnt there another way around?
jovina.* : sigh.
jovina.* : i told him the same thing before.
jovina.* : i didnt realise it was so hurting.
-lousyboy- : maybe give him some time to cool it
-lousyboy- : maybe hes still angry or sad and stuffz
jovina.* : sigh.
jovina.* : he tagged at his ex gf's blog.
jovina.* : i guess he's gone back to her?
jovina.* : i'm glad but at the same time..
-lousyboy- : aye, it might or might not happen
-lousyboy- : i mean it takes 2 hand to clap
-lousyboy- : as much as it hurts , maybe hes not meant to be
-lousyboy- : maybe theres someone else out there thats just right for you
-lousyboy- : maybe hes the one
-lousyboy- : who knows
jovina.* : his ex loves him very much.
jovina.* : tt was one reason why i refused to accept him.
jovina.* : cos i have a conscience.. and i dont want someone else to hurt.
jovina.* : but in the end.
jovina.* : guess who's the one hurting? ):
-lousyboy- : at times
jovina.* : am i silly kits.
-lousyboy- : being kind
-lousyboy- : is kinda sad
-lousyboy- : i wont say you are
-lousyboy- : but you have to know, love is actually kinda selfish thingy
-lousyboy- : its just you
* jovina.* no more walking round with my head down. has changed his/her name to jovina.* being kind to another is simply being cruel to yourself.
-lousyboy- : even if people think you're silly
-lousyboy-: but thats just one of your qualities that somebody out there
-lousyboy- : will learn to appreciate and like you for it
jovina.* : really.
jovina.* : sigh..
jovina.* : sometimes i wonder why im going through all this.
jovina.* : like last night.. i went clubbing,
jovina.* : got picked up numerous times.
jovina.* : my friend's friends too were all like wanting numbers and stuff.
jovina.* : i don't think im tt terrible.
jovina.* : but why am i going through this time and again.
-lousyboy- : its not that you're terrible
-lousyboy- : its well maybe
-lousyboy- : part and parcel of your life
-lousyboy- : we learn from mistakes
-lousyboy- : we learn from breakups
-lousyboy- : we grow from them jov
jovina.* : one after another..
jovina.* : how many more blows can i take?
-lousyboy- : all i can say , is only time will tell jov, endure it
-lousyboy- : your prince charming, soul mate whatever you call it
-lousyboy- : might be the next one
jovina.* : perhaps..
-lousyboy- : hold on , hang tight jov
-lousyboy- : he'll arrive one day
jovina.* : its not jus about love kitty..
jovina.* : i don't know why we can't even be friends.
jovina.* : the ex bf also, and another friend i really treasure too.
-lousyboy- : maybe they arent gracious enough, maybe they arent generous, who knows im not faulting them
-lousyboy- : but some people, guys mainly feel that
-lousyboy- : if they break up with a girl
-lousyboy- : its awkward to be friends with them again
-lousyboy- : its just not right
-lousyboy- : some of them find it cool, its not just about love between a male and female, theres more to it
-lousyboy- : maybe you were unlucky to find 2 ex bfs that were the former spieces
-lousyboy- : we never know
jovina.* : i mean yes, we had something going on.
jovina.* : but even though we're not together i still care.
jovina.* : i still hope you're doing well.
jovina.* : even if you've moved on with another girl and stuff.
jovina.* : i mean i loved you and now i wanna still love you guys as friends.
jovina.* : why do i have to lose both love and friendship?
-lousyboy- : call it bad luck, call it karma, i dont know seriously
-lousyboy- : the human mind is a mysterious thing
-lousyboy- : some people may act one way while other people can act differently
-lousyboy- : i feel for you, cause i know people who were like this to my friends
-lousyboy- : its really bad

Thank you my Kits. You've brought a whole new understanding to this whole situation. Thanks for the comfort (:

; tear my heart open

2006-06-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

I've just realised my best friend's leaving for Aussie in 2 days. ):

So one best friend in Aussie, another in US.

Sigh.

Next year it'll be my turn. Having mixed feelings about it.

Too tired/emo/flf to go out. Sorry sis, I'll meet you tomorrow or something okay?

Or maybe I should go down parklane watch husby play match or something.

Or meet angie at entertainment.

Sigh.

What's up with all my sighs man.

I made my own bed, and I needa lie on it now. If only I could turn back time to two weeks ago. None of this would have happened. I fucking miss my teapot.

Annoying...

People always think I don't hurt. In reality, I do, very much. I'm sick and tired of life.

; almost here

2006-06-03T12:30:00.000+08:00

I guess my mom's right.

I'm emotionally very fragile, and I can't handle endings for nuts.

So I shouldn't start what I can't finish.

Started taking the anxiety pills again. I ran out of antidepressants. Gotta go see doctor later. I don't wanna risk getting emo and feeling like fuck again.

I'm tired. I wanna sleep my hang over off. But I think my brother's in the room doing goodness knows what with goodness knows who.

Wow. I just saw something I shouldn't have. Upsetting.

But it's good in a way. I'm pleased if that's the way things work out.

I hope you guys get back together. Appreciate each other alright? (: A 3 yr relationship isn't easy to come by. Love don't come easy. Take care and good luck, both of you, JH and Judith.

; too serious too soon

2006-06-03T05:31:00.000+08:00

I don't deny that I feel a stab in my heart when I see couples dancing so intimately. And when I see botak-ish looking guys, he comes straight to mind.

I miss his crinkly eyes, and his voice.

Enough emo talk for tonight.

So sick of trying to do the right thing, being the saint. I tried to save Natalie's heart from being broken in Samuel's case, then Judith's in JH's espisode. I tried to turn Samuel down because I still loved Daniel, and JH because I still missed Win.

And where did that leave me? Lol. Hurting.

Yes, if I love, I'll only be hurting as much as I love.

I was living my life again when he asked me to allow him into mine. And like a fool I let my walls down. Let my guard down. And yes, I ended up hurting again.

Not emo 6000 years all, true, but hurting nevertheless.

Stay away guys. Please. Friendships are welcomed. Relationships, flings, whatever, just FOFF. Fuck off far far (:

I thought I'd changed but yes, I remember calling Lengyeow and telling him I've been hanging out often at NP, but why don't I see him around? And he was teasingly going. Why? Your new fling at NP ah. Don't I know Jovie well? Lol. I was indignant all. Like HEY WHAT FLING PLEASE. But it turned out true yeah. A one week courtship, a one day relationship, what is this if not a fling?

I probably won't see him again.

I still have those marks on my neck. They're like two puncture marks. Lol. Lecture from Mom. WHAT'S UP WITH YOU AND YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND. No more boyfriend Mommy.

OKAY OKAY ENOUGH EMO TALK.

Had dinner with Joshie, Cherrie and her bf. Lol. She's so cute yeah. Yes, and we were teasing Josh. His d*ck needs maintainence! Get a GF already!

Josh psychoed. No choice, birthday boy! Headed to Zouk. Free entry for me. HEHEHEHE(: Jimmy, Jerick, Unknown, Unknown. Drank, danced, then flew to Boatquay.

KTV pub with Keith, Bryan, Kenneth and Alex. Bryan was wasted! Ahaha. 2nd time man. Happy 18th Birthday! But he insisted on MOS so FLEW to MOS.

Whee. I can't believe I thought I lost the clubbing thang. The pounding music and flickering lights just got to me. This is what life's about man! But I swear I've lost that.. vibe I used t have. Which led to the nickname Clubbing Queen, young and wild barely 16. I used to loved to be the center of attention on the dancefloor, stage, podium. But now I'm contented with low-profile, or just chilling with friends.

Bumped into Jekong. Matt. Robby, Angela, Eva. Freaking small world! On the dance floor, Ken bounced up outta nowhere with this guy name Nicky who was like HEY I WAS THE ONE WHO ADDED YOU ON FRIENDSTER!

Lol. I was like. O.O wtf? Yes he was so sweet though ahaha "Hey you look good, join us on the dancefloor! Don't leave without saying Bye!"

I almost forgot the feeling of being hit on. But today it's all caucasians and 20+ men for me. Drinks and dance. Not entertained :\ And I heard the LAMEST pick up line ever. MY FRIEND THINKS YOUR LEGS ARE ABSOLUTELY MAJOR.

LOL. Have you ever heard anything so wrong?!

I'm having a headache. And there's a whole crowd of people in my house. Annoying. I want to just sleep it off.

I kinda miss JH. But fuck it all man. Lol. Thank god he ended it now and not after I got serious.

Josh told me today. Jov you know you can be the perfect gf? And I was like. O.O me? And he was like yeah when you really fall in love. But the bad thing is, you don't fall in love easy and when you don't, you mistreat the guy terribly. Which is kinda true.

I hate the part that happens when relationships don't work out. Sam and I can't hold a conversation without sarcsm and taunts. Win, okay NEVER RELATIONSHIP, I have no idea why he doesn't wants to regard me as a friend anymore, and now JH. No way am I gonna be JT no. 2 and start leeching and clinging onto him man. I'm so better than that, even though I do feel guilty and think of him occasionally and stuff. I mean, I'll like to keep the friendship even though we don't work out. -shrugs

Enough's enough. No guy's gonna get me down again. This I fucking swear.

; promise

2006-06-02T03:12:00.000+08:00

what would you say if i asked you not to go
to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
would you take my hand and never let me go
promise me you'll never let me go

and the stars aren't out tonight
but neither are we to look out at them
why does hello feel like goodbye
these memories can't replace these wishes i wished and dreams i chased
take this broken heart and make it right

i feel like i lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
i thought you should know
you're not making this easy

i never thought i'd be the one to say
please don't please don't leave me

take my hand and never let me go
promise me you'll never let go
make this last forever

so fall asleep tonight cos that brings me closer to you.

; inside-out

2006-06-02T02:08:00.000+08:00

Okay, so the ex is right.

I did break up with JH after a one day relationship.

Ah well. I mean, he doesn't love me! He says I'm just assuming he doesn't but I KNOW okay? And for sure I don't love him.

There are times when I don't even know what to say to him. That NEVER happens to me and ***. We can talk about anything and everything. From serious issues to utter nonsense.

I do still feel a little offended. Nice and sweet! Honestly. Girls with those qualities are everywhere! It wouldn't be hard for him to find a replacement I'm certain.

; nothing t lose

2006-06-01T02:52:00.000+08:00

Like Wanwin said, I should stop being a spoilt brat, and stubbornly wanting, insisting on what I can't have.

I seriously need to appreciate the people around me. Who loves, and cares.

Been pleased with the no strings attached, 'non' relationship I've been sharing with JH. The benefits? No commitment which equates to stress-free! And I get all the perks that comes with a typical relationship. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, lots and lots of affection. Texts, calls, someone who picks me up and sends me home. But how long can this last? And will it be fair to leave him hanging in the air?

He told me he's waiting for me. To be ready to begin a relationship.

Perhaps it is time? (:

Yes, and after all, he's left his mark on me already.
There's a very obvious bruise on my neck. Teehee. ;D
But the one I left on his doesn't show! -sulks

; it's you tt matters

2006-05-31T23:25:00.000+08:00

Am I not entitled to a choice?

Why are you making it for me? How do you know it's the one I want?

What drove me to choking down 30 painkillers yesterday was the loss of your friendship. Coming online feels so empty nowadays. Do you know? Love is secondary for me, in our case, you would probably never know how I feel for you if all this never happened. I will never risk the teasing, easy relationship we shared, or once shared anyway for anything else, even something more.

All I want from you is friendship. I don't expect love.

I've known you for 2 years. Numerous fun, sleepless nights we spent talking. How can you compare yourself to a barely 2-week friendship with JH?

If that's the reason why you chose to disappear from my life, I'm telling you now.

No one else comes close to you.
Won't you come home and stop this pain tonight?

; almost here

2006-05-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

Why are you doing this Winnie?

Why the firm attitude and everything?

I love you, I really do.

*emo 6000 years (sounds familiar?)

; let it go

2006-05-30T05:27:00.000+08:00

I've just picked what's left of myself up.

Bruised and battered by Teapot's words, I don't deny it cuts me like a knife every single time I re-read them yes, but I'm not going to let anyone send me into the abyss of hell again.

I'm better than that.

Thank god for those anti-depressants, I think I still have 4/30 left.

; fuck it all away

2006-05-30T05:12:00.000+08:00

So my group's removed, and I'm blocked AND deleted.

Thanks Win.

Fucking thanks ah.

; closer t me

2006-05-30T04:42:00.000+08:00

Enough said.

If you don't get it, you're probably not supposed to (:

nobody's there when i call your name
the nights are cold without your flame
but if i could i'll make you see
that i'm sorry
and that i need you here with me